Reason #289 Why I Need New Friends

I have this...well I wouldn't exactly call her a friend at this point but we've known each other so long I don't know what else to call her so let's go with friend. 

For some reason she attempts to make me feel like crap (perhaps unintentionally) because I don't have a boyfriend each and every time I see her (slight exaggeration perhaps). It doesn't always get to me, not in the traditional drown-my-tears-in-icecream sort of way anyway, more in the "why did you even say that? Are you just being horrible?" sort of way. 

Yes, I am boyfriend-less but I have had one before, two actually, but you continue to discredit every boyfriend I've had. The first one we were too young, the second one it was too short. 

Just because I know what I want (and what I don't want) and I'm not going to settle for anything less (not that I think you are settling) doesn't mean there's something wrong with me or that I'm unhappy because I'm single. I know it's a pretty foreign concept to you but I am perfectly happy on my own. 

Sure, I wouldn't say no to a guy I liked (I am incredibly fond of the male gender) but I need to really like him, he needs to be at the top of my priority list and boyfriend 2.0 simply wasn't so until I find said high priority guy being by myself is good. Like for real, legit, perfectly cool all by my onesie. 

Today is just not a good day.

Don't Talk to the Antisocial Bitch (i.e. Me)

I'm in the kind of mood where I'm just like "don't talk to me, just don't." First I was sick, then I had exams and now I have no relevant excuse except I'm an antisocial bitch.

This rule doesn't apply to everyone of course but 90% of people I just don't want to talk to, I don't want to hear about their problems or excuses 'cause it's always the same and I'm sick of listening to the same thing over and over.

I'm just in a bad mood really but people talking to me isn't making it better.

Give me my space, I'm an only child, I need it.

I think I need new friends. I love my friends and I don't want to trade them in for new ones but I think I need to meet new people, people that I don't know practically inside out and whose minor flaws won't irritate me to no end. 

Strength is in the mind.

I have not contributed to this blog for a while. It's not that I haven't had much to write about, nor time to do so. I just haven't been motivated. I sure have things to write about. I got offered an honours project that I desperately wanted, I have a job at a lab with many interesting people, I did a placement at a museum and I am happily enjoying a serious relationship with someone. But what inspired me to write today is an admirable friend.

This friend of mine is not very "close" but I see her at least once a week.

Today I found out something sad. 

My friends mum has cancer, and has had it for a few years now.

I knew she was sick, but I didn't know she was cancer sick.

She's in palliative care.

I have met her mother a few times and she is a positive person.

My friend has never revealed much about her mum to our little group before. Which makes me sad because it means it is serious. We told her to just stay strong and keep motivated for her exams. She told us that it is ok because her mum had brought her up to be motivated.

But what I want to say how outstanding my friend is. She always puts 120% of effort. 

She never wastes time fluffing around. She goes to gym, studies full time at uni, juggles part time work, and manages to find time to practice, and keep a social life.

At the moment she is in the middle of exams, her mum is very sick, and she is keeping it all together. I don't know how she does it.

But the main thing is that she never complains. Ever. She is not someone who is full of excuses, who is never on time, or puts in a half ass attempt. She is a yes man. She is always up for more. 

The fact that she hadn't told us about it until today reveals her true nature. She doesn't like people feeling sorry for her or seeing her vulnerable. She is a strong person.

She is inspiring.

I have this friend....lets call him, say......Jake. Because coincidentally, thats actually his name. Let me tell you a bit about him, total wanker, but heart of gold.....at least thats what he'd like people to think. What it actually is a more of a lead heart coated with tin, but like that kinda tin that when you hold it up to the light kinda looks like gold. But i digress. Basically he wants to hijack our blog and turn it to the dark side (sans cookies). Sorry that was Zo (cos yeah real sneaky naming it the ZoHan blog......expecting us to be all like, 'damn, lord knows who's writing this') the bit about hijacking that is, the self deprecating stuff is all me baby.....now i feel awkward, can i even say baby on the internet anymore. Thank god this isn't tumblr because I'd be crushed under the waves of procrastination and armchair activism. GAH THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMMENTS, THE GIFS. I kid I kid.

So let me tell you a bit about Zo (once again, sho sneaky). She's about yay tall, Italian and has that sort of hair that no matter how you hug her kinda invades portions of your face but she's an amazing person. Don't let her know it though cos fuck it'd go straight to her head, and she lacks the coordination/balance to manage the extra weight. Though i find myself wondering at times (like the italian mother I am) why she no meet nice boy, not for her sake but for my own. We need fresh blood in the group, it got a little bit incestuous there for a while but its starting to show signs of supporting external life. Though seriously, she totally deserves someone awesome, and if it weren't for the fact that everyone in med is borderline sociopathic and megalomaniacal, I would have already set her up with a fine young paediatrician who moonlights as firefighter who specialises in saving orphans and little old ladies and is known to run into burning buildings to save kittens, that he then nurses back to health through his raw masculinity and love.

Enough about Zo (never gets old), lets talk about Han (.....im seeing a pattern), what can I say about Han that hasn't been said a million times before. Massive Poo. That about covers it.

Peace. *drops mic* booooooooooooooooooobs.

I told you so.

Do you know what I want to say to you? What I'm begging to say to you?
You should've stuck around.
I. Told. You. So.
Boyfriends come and go but friends are forever. 

Yes, our best friend got a boyfriend and she spent a lot of her time with him, often at the cost of our "girl time." However, you made a promise, all those years ago, when we became best friends that we'd stick by each other and always be friends.

Instead, you tried to turn me against my oldest and dearest friend just because she had a boyfriend and she was happy (and you didn't). I told you then (and I want to tell you again now) she'd come back.

It took 5 years and a bit of heart break but we're closer than ever now and you're still blaming other people for what was your fault.

IFF - Italian Film Festival

I went to the Italian Film Festival today and saw: Il Rosso e il Blu (the red and the blue) and Pazze di Me (Women Drive Me Crazy). They were both really good, Il Rosso e il Blu was a bit...depressing - think Freedom Writers or Coach Carter but without the happy endings. It also didn't end well, it just kind of...stopped. The main guy (the teacher) had incredible eyes though. It did have it's instances of comic relief that I've only found in European movies (almost slapstick but without the physical violence) but without a doubt, Pazze di Me was the comedy. It was about this guy who was the only male in his 7 female strong household (including the dog) and about how the crazy women in his life drove away every girl he brought home. Long story short, guy meets perfect girl, family drives perfect girl away, meets a new girl, she asks him to choose between her and the family, he chooses her, realises he's too noble for that, tells her to wait while he goes and fixes their lives once and for all, goes back to girl to discover she's gotten back with her ex, ends up with original perfect girl and moved out from living with his family. The soundtrack was awesome too. 

Anyway, both these movies were really good however there were two of them which roughly equates to 3 hours of Italian. As such, speaking English and hearing English around is messing with my head a little. Seriously, when I went down stairs before it took me a second to realise why I thought the tv sounded so weird. At the start of this post I was struggling to write in English which makes me happier than you can imagine. 

I'm really hoping this continues over into my Italian class and my test tomorrow though.

Costumes and presents and cards, oh my!

We're at that point in the year where you've gone to so many 21sts and bought so many presents (and freaking costumes - grr!) you're A) broke and B) out of ideas and just don't care anymore.

At this point in our lives, with our BFFs especially, we're at this point where we've known each other for so long and bought so many birthday/christmas presents over the years that coming up with something new and yet still suitable is a pain. While we do known our giftee well enough to anticipate their needs/wants rather than just buying them something 'nice and birthday-y' we've also had a few years of buying them DVD seasons they want or a new purse they've been eyeing or a pair of shoes etc. Now, at least for me, it's about experiences. A boat cruise, Dracula's, a Spa Day, concert tickets, trips away, dinner at a nice restaurant, Gold Class, the list goes on. I think experiences are the way to go, not only do you give them something they a) want, b) have never done before but c) you also get to share it with them too and create memories and we all know memories are the best part.

I have 2 more best friends birthdays to go and they both have presents bought/thought of and neither of them are tangible belongings. I've already decided BFFL and I are going away for our birthday presents to each other ("oh you've decided have you, BFFL?" she said when I told her). We're going somewhere we've wanted to for a while but never really got around to and I'm excited. 

Life experiences people, get out there and live a little.

Tricycle

I'm not sure how I feel about being the third wheel.

I mean it's never really been a big issue for me, I've been third wheeling for most of my relationships-are-real life and it was whatever. Now, I don't know. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

On the one hand, I'm happy my friends are happy and as long as I get to hang out with my friend (usually a 2 for 1 deal anyway), I'm happy. I get by with it. One of my best friends, if her and her boyfriend start kissing I just keep yammering until they stop and pay attention to me (little attention-whore, aren't I?). With one of my other best friends, I kept poking her in the back of the head every time she kissed her significant other when we were out at Trivia one night. Other friends I make kissy noises or just leave them to it dependent on my mood. 

On the other hand, not being the third wheel would also be nice but I can't expect my co-wheel to magically materialise into my best friend's lounge room for me so I can't really complain. Besides, I tried having a co-wheel and I've come to realise it's not something you can force (even though I probably should've known that before) so...Que Sera, Sera, that's my motto ("Whats a motto?" "Nothin'. What's a-matter with you?").

Girls' Dates

Four of my girl friends and I, each month arrange to hang out, just us. No boyfriends (no boys at all), no other friends, just the five of us. 

We talk about whatever, sex, boys, politics, sex, jobs, boys, friends, boys, boyfriends, sex. 

The time we spend together is priceless and probably the most fun I have and what I look forward to most but if it's not the fucking most difficult thing in the world! 5 girls, 5 conflicting uni/work/social life schedules it is almost impossible. Somehow we always seem to manage but it's never easy. In the lead up, when we're just trying to find a fucking time we can all make it to, I almost feel like giving up, it shouldn't be this hard, it's not worth it but when I'm there, when we're all there it reminds me just how worth it is. 

We have been friends for a long time and there's a reason for that, a reason why we have been such good friend for such a long time. These girls are 4 of my best friends and I love the time we spend together, I hope we never give up, no matter how difficult it is. 

Drink, drank, drunk.

You only realise how drunk you are when you go to the bathroom. 

Seriously.

Don't drink kidlets. 

Say Beautiful

It's amazing what the word "beautiful" can do when it comes from a boy.

Compliments make the world go round and somehow they mean more when they come from the opposite sex. Or so I can attest as a member of the female sex. Gentleman? Thoughts?

Beautiful is a different word to hot, sexy, gorgeous, stunning etc. It comes from someone who cares about you, not just someone who's attracted to you. 

And when it comes from someone you care about too, it can make you feel like you're on top of the world and all warm and fuzzy inside all at the same time. 

Beautiful is a beautiful world. 

Musings of an ex-Lit student/amateur writer

Sometimes I wonder why, exactly, authors include what they do or write the way they do. 

For example, the book I'm reading atm contains the line "...he'd taken off his shirt and lay atop the covers in just his jeans, but he was still hot."

Why did we have to know he took off his shirt? Is it because that's just something guys do when they're trying to relax? Or is it to emphasise how hot it is? Even without his shirt he's still hot? Or is it to provide the adoring fangirl with the (delightful and most welcome) mental image of this gorgeous guy half naked and sweaty? Or a combination of all three perhaps.

I just wonder sometimes...why?

 

Europe

I have wanted to speak Italian for pretty much as long as I can remember. Up until the age of 5 I spent at least 2 or 3 days a week with my grandparents who spoke almost wholly in Italian both with each other and to my cousins and I. I went to primary school with the basics, counting to 10, hello, goodbye, come here, please, thank you etc. However, my primary school didn't offer Italian as a LOTE, it didn't offer a language post-grade 1 at all.

Then I went to high school yippee, languages! Hopefully I can finally learn Italian and work out what the hell Nonna's saying half the time.
Nope. BHC offered French and Japanese. Well, I figured French is closest to Italian so if I couldn't study Italian, French was the next best thing. I loved it. For the first time I experienced the beauty of language. To be able to speak and communicate in a minority language is incroyables. It's so amazing to walk down the street and hear snippets of conversation and understand them only to realise a second later that they weren't speaking English. I mean it obviously doesn't happen every day but on occasion...yeah and it feels awesome. Probably didn't hurt that I had the most amazing, incredible, dedicated and wonderful French teacher from year 8 all the way through to year 12.

Then I went to Uni and finally, finally, started Italian. On the one hand, it was everything I dreamed, finally being able to speak and understand (to a certain degree) the language I grew up surrounded by. On the other hand, it was hard going. Uni flies through lessons and topics and grammar principles at blink-and-you'll-miss-it speed, you spend hardly any time in class and the teachers, while good at their job, push for a lot more independent study which is hard in language. Not to mention the fact that three years in and I can still barely understand 1 word a sentence because Nonna and my aunties talk so fast and in one of the many dialects of Italy.

Language is a massive part of people's identities, it's a part of mine. My grandparents, my aunties and my dad, my brother even, they all speak Italian, it's part of my family to speak Italian. I'm not materialistic, I read books and stay home and study, I don't party or drink that much, I'm not obsessed with finding a boyfriend and getting married, the least I can do is speak Italian.

But I need to go to Italy, in order to speak Italian properly (to the level of French), I need to go to Italy.
I just...need to go.

Screenshots

I found the screenshots I'd saved of our conversations again, cute things we'd said, stuff that had made me laugh and smile, how we came about. It's not the first time I've come across them since but it's the first I've been able to delete them.

They're gone.

I feel now, that I have some closure, I guess if I can even call it that (there wasn't much to close after all). Despite the brief time period the emotions were still there and I guess it took me 4 months and alcohol circa 2 weekends ago to realise.

We'll talk about it one day perhaps, I always seem to, even if it takes 12 months. One day, late at night, when all the remnants of feelings are gone we'll talk about it and shake our heads and laugh.

Rest

The Doctor has ordered me to rest. So why does it feel so bad when I do nothing? I am so used to getting fewer hours sleep, never taking time off work, and studying when I am not working to keep up with the uni flow. So when I send an email off to the unit chair asking if I could sit the test another day along with a medical certificate, why do I feel like I am cheating the system? Why does a little part of me say "you aren't sick enough that you can't go to uni and sit the test, you just haven't studied enough" And it's hard to remember that one of the reasons I haven't studied is because I have been busy and unwell, and I have tried my best to fit in as much study as I can and I am only human. The doctor asked me when my last holiday was and I honestly couldn't tell him because apart from a weekend in sorrento  it must have been christmas time. My social life is next to non-existant, and the last time I had the chance to go see a movie or sit down and read a book is a distant memory. This is the one time where I have a legitimate chance to take a breath so why can't I take it without feeling guilty? My lifestyle sucks balls.

Group Politics

You're right that when things happen in our group it affects more than the people that are directly involved, we all get involved.

And sometimes I love that. That we're all so ridiculously close tight knit that there's no such thing as secrets, that everyone knows everything, that we all gossip.

But, on the other hand, if (for some reason) you do need to keep a secret, unless you do just keep it to yourself, it's nigh impossible to keep it from getting out. We've got best friends and boyfriends/girlfriends that negate the whole 'don't tell anyone' thing not to mention the discovery/new acquaintance we've made with alcohol which not only lowers inhibitions but apparently the walls behind which secrets are kept. Which sucks if the secret you were keeping was to prevent hurting someone else, a secret you were planning on telling them in your own time, just not yet, because it'd be better to hear it from you rather than from the rumour mill.

One surprising factor to this close knit group we are a part of is there's little to no in-fighting which is sort of surprising. Surprising because being in such close quarters so often with 20-odd people of greatly varying personalities would be sure to result in clashes, which it does of course, but either they're minor or we're mature enough at this point to just let it go and accept that not everyone is going to agree with you.

Even on the rare instances that two people within our incestuous group of friends do have a serious falling out, it doesn't really affect the other friendships, nor should it. We're grown ups now. Just because you don't like person A all that much doesn't mean you can't spend time with person B, C, D, E, F, G etc. just because person A will also be there. We're a big enough group that you can go a whole party without saying a word to person A if you don't want to, trust me.

Sorry

My life has been going pretty well recently. Yes I have been extremely busy and slightly stressed, but over all good. I just miss my friends. I haven't seen some of them for two months. It doesn't feel like that long because I have been so preoccupied, but it has been a while and I really miss them. I get to see most of them this weekend and I am really excited to see them all. Unfortunately there is one change in my life that may make it awkward to see them all and some believe that I am avoiding them because of it. I just want to put it out there that I am not. Not one bit. Yes, there is one person that I don't want to hurt, so I have been keeping things on the down low, but I'm not keeping secrets and sneaking around and avoiding anyone. I just want to wave my magic wand and send all weirdness/awkwardness/sadness away. But I can't. Sometimes I think that my group of friends is so tight knit that when something happens between two people it affects more than just them. I am sorry to all the people I may have hurt.

Dude, come on

What the hell is going on with you?

You can't not reply to my text messages and then Facebook me with a question like you haven't been ignoring my messages! And apparently I'm not the only one whose messages you've been ignoring. Maybe the ignoring of messages is just a boy thing and you are pretty notorious for it but I was mad at you and I'm not fully un-mad at you yet so this is not helping! 

I get that you're not okay, and I sort of get that you're male and can't talk to me 'cause I'm stuck in the middle but I'm still your friend. I'm your best friend. 

You could at least reply to my messages and maybe drop a line of explanation as to why I haven't seen you even though we had two 21sts this weekend and you didn't rock up to either.

Talk to me. Please. I miss you. 

Due Dates

Due dates exist, they're a fact of life.

If you can't meet due dates in high school or in uni, how will you ever be able to meet them in life?

If your essay is due on Friday at 5pm, then your essay is due at 5pm on Friday, not 5:01, not midnight, not Saturday, not next week. Friday. 5pm.

Assignments do suck and more than once I have had to race a deadline but I always manage to submit my work. It might not always be fantastic, it might not always meet the criteria/word limit but it's always in by the deadline. Even if I could improve my assignment and hand it in at a later date I still get it in by the deadline, then it's over. If I was actually capable of making my assignment of a higher standard then I would've started it earlier and I would have had it finished by the deadline.
Besides, I can't handle the stress! I stress out enough rushing to a deadline, I can't imagine what I'd be like post-deadline!

Of course, it's all up to the individual but, come on, barring exceptional circumstances, just get your stuff down by the deadline, it's not impossible.

Wrong.

Something is still wrong.

There's this weird...tension between us, we're not like we were before.

We say the same things, our things (BFFL, your face doesn't make sense) but it doesn't feel right.

I don't know how to fix it, I don't even know what it is. Maybe it's because of me, because I don't like the new guy, because I'm not saying anything because I know you won't like what I have to say nor will you follow my advice anyway so why bother?

We drove 40km in silence and it would've been 60 if I hadn't had to ask for directions. 

Something is wrong. 

Checklist

Clubbing is not my thing.
I'm shy, I'm a homebody and I'm judgemental. I know exactly what I want and if you don't meet the criteria I'm pretty stand offish (even if you meet other equally important criterion) until you break down my walls which takes time and effort that strangers often aren't willing to impart (and understandably).

Must have a job, private school educated but not too elite to illicit snobbery, intelligent, sporty but not a football player (some exceptions do apply), animal person (doesn't have to be crazy about cats and dogs but must at least not hate either), willing to spend time with my crazy friends and willing to bring me along to spend time with his crazy friends.

Then there's the stuff that would be little bonuses, the stuff that would put him ahead of the pack. Foreign (most preferably somewhere in Western Europe, especially the UK or France), bilingual (again, European, preferably French or Italian), blue or green eyes, taller than me, living closer to the city than I do (that one's pretty easy to achieve though).

I'll probably find a guy who is the exact opposite to everything I just said I want and he'll be perfect.
Or maybe I'll live alone with 32 cats.
Either, either, or.

I am woman, hear me roar

So, apparently it took me getting a boyfriend to realise I'm a total feminist. 

(And then 3 months to actually come to terms with that, because in some circles feminist is a dirty word.)

I've always been "anything boys can do, girls can do better (and they can do it in heels)" but now my feminist streak is taking it to the extreme. Dont open doors for me, don't buy me dinner, don't let me go first, let me buy you some freaking ice cream.

We live in the 21st century not the 1850s I am a grown woman with her own money, her own muscles and her own brain, let me do it by my-goddamn-self.

I know that it's not meant to be condesending and degrading but at it's root it was and by continuing to do these things you're reinforcing the sterotype. Yes, if you are at the door first, please by all means do open it for me but don't do it because you're my boyfriend or because I'm a girl. Do it because you were there first and it's the polite thing to do, regardless of gender. If you've opened said door for me because you were there first, it only makes sense that I do indeed go first, otherwise who would be holding the door? But again, if I got there first and I opened the door, don't proceed to send me ahead of you because I'm a girl, what if there's a monster in there? That's not very gentlemanly of you now is it, sending me to a slimy and monstorous death?

As for buying me stuff, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, sure. But do not buy me dinner unless you're comfortable with me returining the favour in the future. Sure, when we're reaching the later levels of being together and heading to words the big M word or a de facto relationship then yes, what's mine is yours, who cares who buys dinner on this particular Thursday? In the early stages though, when you're trying to impress me or whatever, buying me stuff, and not letting me pay you back in any way is not the way to go. It undermines my independence and that is so not cool. I work too. Women are no longer reliant on men for food and shelter. 

E-qual-ity, say it with me now. 

#NeverthoughtIwasacrazyfeminist

#guessIam

#guessIlovehashtagstoo

Lyrical

More Than a Dream - Harrison Craig

"I never thought, 

never could see, 

never believed.

The walls were bigger than me

but I tore them down, 

I tore them down."

I didn't watch The Voice, I caught a few of the blind auditions perhaps and saw the innumerable adds of course but I didn't sit down every week and watch it. I did, however, recorded the finale and I watched it because I adore Harrison Craig. He is a beautiful person, he has an amazing voice and I think he definitely deserved to win. He sounds like Michael Bublé, and sung a few Bublé covers while he was on The Voice (that are now living on my iPod), perhaps thats why I love him so much. Probably doesn't hurt that he's a bit of a babe too. But mainly, he looked happy. Again, I only watched the finale, and maybe it was because even before it was announced everyone knew he was going to win, but he smiled when he sung, ever YouTube video of him I've watched since, he smiles. He's happy to be up there belting it out, the others...not so much.

I've mentioned songs I love for their lyrics before and the utmost respect and admiration I have for songwriters, Delta Goodrem, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Of Monsters and Men, Bob Dylan too I love for his lyrics (because let's be honest, that guy is a poet not a singer, when he sings he sounds like a dying horse). Another one to add to my list is Harrison, especially if his (admittedly rushed) album turns out anything like the original song he (co-(apparently))wrote for The Voice finals.

I mean I also likes songs expressly not because of their lyrics, Flo Rida's Whistle, Hey Porsche by Nelly or anything Jason Derulo sings. But while Flo Rida and Nelly make me want to sing along and dance, the others, the ones I love for the stories they tell (and the way they tell it), make me think and feel and all that good stuff music is supposed to evoke in you. They are the songs that get stuck on repeat.

Why is it whenever I'm sick and shouldn't have dairy, all I want is a milkshake. Like seriously body? What even. 

Religion and Cats

It's sort of getting to me now, that I'm the only single one. That I don't even have a quasi-unofficially-official someone to make me smile and be cute with or about. I'm certainly not going to cry about it though.

It's the "growing up" stuff that everyone's doing with their significant other that's bugging me. Holidays and houses and domestic things. You're my best friend, I want to do those things with you, we always have before. I'm jealous I'm no longer up there in your priorities. I'm jealous I don't have someone I care about enough to supplant you.

I tried though. I tried at something I should've known would've been a disaster then I had the back and forthing that I've finally realised never would've worked, not even on our superficial level, then I pinned all my hopes on something that turned out to be a flop so now I'm left feeling a little flat I guess.

I know, some day (my prince will come) I'll find someone that will capture my attention and drag me away from my books and writing and whatever else it is I spend my time doing to spend time with him but so far, no one has really taken my fancy, not enough anyway. And I don't believe in forcing things, if it's meant to be it will be, so I'm not going to make myself do anything to force anything I'm just going to live my life and let the pieces fall where they may.

I've held this belief for as long as I can remember, sort of like my own religion, but I think it's getting harder as I get older. I wonder how old I'll have to get before the cynicism kicks in and I adopt 34 cats. 

After Hours

Late last night, and by late I mean late i.e. half past midnight, I had two visitors. 

After they called me and woke me up even though my phone was on silent, like actual not-even-vibrating silent. 

They rocked up, we squished and snuggled onto the couch and it was awesome. 

Friends are great at all times and I like them. These ones in particular. They're fun. 

In need of a third language brain partition, thanks.

I love French and I love Italian (as I'm sure you know) and I love speaking French or Italian more than I do English but I need the language section of my brain to split into a third section, as opposed to English/Not-English.

I need an English/French/Italian divide because I just spent a solid 15 minutes trying to work out whether the 'to be' verb I was looking at was the French one or the Italian one. Keep in mind that 'to be' is the first verb you ever learn so I've either known the French conjugation by heart for over 8 years or the Italian conjugation for over 2 years, either way a fairly significant chunk of time in which I should be able to recognise and identify a basic verb table.

It probably doesn't help that the infinitives are quite similar être vs. essere. Never mind the fact that the Italian doesn't even use the personal pronoun whereas the French does (the personal pronouns I could've glanced at and would've told me which language it was by the way).

I just...I love speaking more than one language more than anything but God it messes with my brain. I'm just reaching the point where my LOTE switch flicks to Italian by default rather than French but considering I still struggle on occasion to identify a phrase on paper as French or Italian I think I've got a long way to go.

Next time I'm picking something with a freaking completely different alphabet. Like Russian. Or Swedish (Ah, Alexander Skarsgård).

Role Model

As much as I have a role model I think Rory Gilmore is it.
Fictional though she may be (portrayed by the wonderful Alexis Bledel for 7 years on Gilmore Girls), man I want to be her.
She's intelligent, she's funny, she's well-read, she's witty, she's kind, she's compassionate, family-orientated, driven. She's also pretty damn stunning too.
She's the reason why I am so desperate to go to Yale even though the rational part of my brain knows that:
a) I can't afford it.
and b) I wouldn't go anyway because studying Law in America is useless for someone who never wants to live anywhere but Australia.

Yes, okay, so she's not real per se, but the idea of her is real.
She worked hard in school, got into the course/university of her dreams.
She worked hard at uni, got a job as a political journalist on Obama's campaign trail (i.e. job of her dreams).
And, despite the ending, she proved you don't have to go out every weekend and dress to the nines to find the perfect guy.

RORY GILMORE LET ME HAVE YOUR LIFE!!!

P-platers unite!

I love the kind of solidarity p-platers share. How every time you see a car with Ps you try and check out the driver, because you know they're roundabouts your age. 

When you see one walking to their car you give this imaginary nod that conveys "OMG we can drive now! How cool is that?" Because for me, the whole driving thing is still a novelty even 2 years on. 

Promise = kept

Hey, guess what? I kept a blog promise this time! Yay! (We shall not speak of the failed 30 Days Challenge debacle).

I know. Like, I mean I know.

I know all those things I said I wanted to and I'm glad I do know them or else I'd still be wondering but I'm done now. It was nice, sure but there wasn't that (oh God, kill me now) spark, connection, whatever you call it, that thing that connects you to another person. Whatever it was it wasn't there so...yep, done. 

It honestly has nothing to do with the drunken kissing, which is always pretty awful I've discovered, it's just...there's nothing there. 

And you know, that's cool, seriously. I think it'll be good for me actually. Clean slate, I can find someone "outside" the group as Ducky keeps imploring us all to do.

But yeah, promise kept, failed experiment, moving on.

Seamus Heaney

I'm not really a poetry person, I suck at writing it and despite the fact that it was so easy to analyse I still struggled with it. Turns out literature just wasn't for me. I'm not the analysing type (a bit ironic coming from the Art's student, I know). I do like reading poetry though, some of it anyway.

One poem I do love and that I thank Mr James for sharing with us is Digging by Seamus Heaney. We didn't study this poem, we did study Heaney though and I think I developed a certain of grudging fondness for his work over the two years of studying him in VCE Literature under Jamesy's tutelage.
Here I give you Digging by Seamus Heaney from Death of a Naturalist (1966).

Between my finger and my thumb   
The squat pen rests; snug as a gun.

Under my window, a clean rasping sound   
When the spade sinks into gravelly ground:   
My father, digging. I look down

Till his straining rump among the flowerbeds   
Bends low, comes up twenty years away   
Stooping in rhythm through potato drills   
Where he was digging.

The coarse boot nestled on the lug, the shaft   
Against the inside knee was levered firmly.
He rooted out tall tops, buried the bright edge deep
To scatter new potatoes that we picked,
Loving their cool hardness in our hands.

By God, the old man could handle a spade.   
Just like his old man.

My grandfather cut more turf in a day
Than any other man on Toner’s bog.
Once I carried him milk in a bottle
Corked sloppily with paper. He straightened up
To drink it, then fell to right away
Nicking and slicing neatly, heaving sods
Over his shoulder, going down and down
For the good turf. Digging.

The cold smell of potato mould, the squelch and slap
Of soggy peat, the curt cuts of an edge
Through living roots awaken in my head.
But I’ve no spade to follow men like them.

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests.
I’ll dig with it.

The last stanza (+ last line of the second last stanza) is my favourite, it's a source of inspiration for a maybe-book I'll most likely never finish. It just struck me when we read it, Mr James finished and there was that heavy silence afterwards before he prompted us for discussion.
"It's about family." He wrote it down on his tablet/laptop in his near indecipherable scrawl and we copied the same into our books.
"It's about branching out from family tradition."
"It's about acceptance."
"Acceptance of yourself and acceptance from your family."
"It's about being different and the uncertainty that comes with that."
"It's about dirt." - There's always got to be a smart ass.

Seamus Heaney wrote about so many things and I really did enjoy studying him but this poem is my favourite.

Same same but different.

I have a friend, we're not super close, once upon a time she was one of my best friends and while I'd still call her that now it's not really true. 

Something we have in common though is alarmingly similar tastes when it comes to books/TV shows - in fact I once recommended a book to her that I thought she'd like only to discover she was already reading it.

However, our similarity in taste by no means extends to men. She likes the ones I can't stand and I love the ones she thinks are rude or assholey. 

It just makes me laugh that we watch the same TV shows, read the same books, yet fall in love with completely different characters and get far too invested into the fictional lives of completely different couples.

I just think it's interesting how different people are no matter how alike they seem. 

Decisions decisions decisions

Since when am I that person?

Why am I "advice girl"? Maybe I'm being presumptuous, maybe everyone asks all their friends for advice and I just have a lot of friends therefore I have a lot of advice asked of me. 

However I have little to no experience in the way of the boy so...probably not the best option for boy related advice. 

That's not to say I don't like/appreciate being asked advice. It gives me the warm and fuzzies because it means this person trusts me and values my opinion enough to talk to me about something that's important to them.

In all honesty though, I think you already know what you're going to do when you ask for advice, you're just after validation and if you don't get the response you want you keep asking people until you do.

Ultimately, no one makes your decisions but you. Sure, others may contribute but only so much as you allow their opinions to influence you.

People often ask my opinion and while I do give it I either preface or end it with "but it's your choice." It is. I make my decisions by myself, sure I ask my friends for their advice and they give it but deep down you always know what you're going to do, or at least what you should do. 

Besides, there are no wrong choices in life just mistakes to be fixed.

#noregrets.

Someday

Someday everyone will be tolerated.
Someday we wont prejudice.
Someday we will all be able to travel without fear of our safety.
Someday we will all look in the mirror and be proud of what we are.
Someday we will be able to celebrate our differences without pretending they don't exist out of fear that we are offending one another.
Someday we will look back on this moment and be ashamed.
Someday this won't be and issue.
I wish I didn't have to say someday.

I hate people.

I hate how they're inconsiderate. 

I hate how they're intolerant. 

I hate how they're stingy. 

I hate how they're thoughtless. 

I hate how they're rude. 

I hate how they're stupid. 

I hate how they're immature. 

I could list all the things I love about people too but I'm so not in the mood. 

You find many things when you are not looking for them.

Just On a Side Note

Dear World,

I'm generally one of the "never say never" people (not just coz I do actually like Justin Beiber)  but I'm 99% positive in this case that I am never going to hook up with my best friend.

Just putting it out there because a whole lot of you seem to think it's apparently natural progression.

I mean yes, he's wonderful, I do love him (otherwise I wouldn't have been his best friend all these years) but our mutual-liking boat has sailed. We are just friends.

Honestly, I'm more likely to hook up with his ex-girlfriend than I am him. Which isn't really saying much (we get lesbiany when we're drunk) because I adore her, she's amazing.

On top of that, I actually like his best friend so...it'd be a bit detrimental in that regard I think. 

So, you know, if you could stop mentioning the whole idea it'd be much appreciated. 

Kindly,

Zoe

The Right Way Up

My life has recently had a little bit of a shake up, to say the least. Things have changed that had needed to be changed for a while. I still don't know if I have made the right choices, but then again, there is no such thing as right or wrong in nature; it is just a human concept. But I feel as if I have landed on my feet. I am happy. At times I feel guilty that I feel that way, but as she said, you cant help the way you feel.

Happy = happy.

Well I'm sure getting my blog on tonight!

I'm happy you're happy. 

However you're happy, wherever you're happy (hopefully not too far away from me though!), whenever you're happy.

So long as nothing you're doing is injurious to your health, I am happy you are happy.

If thinking cows are purple makes you happy then cows are frigging purple and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

If you want to eat cheese on your ice cream I'll get the grater.

I'll think you're mad but I already knew that, and I love you anyway. 

(The above scenarios are completely hypothetical and are not intended refer to anyone in anyway.)

C'est. La. Vie.

Dear world,

If he/she doesn't like you, then he/she doesn't like you. 

They're not doing it on purpose, they're not doing it to hurt you, they just don't have feelings like that for you.

It's not their fault. They can't help how they feel anymore than you can.

Have you ever wanted to like someone so much because you feel like it would make it all better?

Or worse, have you ever liked someone and tried desperately not to? 

You can't help it.

Neither can they. 

Que sera, sera.

Move on, get over it, don't blame them for something they can't change. 

Yes, it hurts, rejection is always going to hurt, but you can't blame them anymore than you can blame yourself. 

It is not their fault. 

I promise, I'll know.

You give good hugs.

You make me laugh.

I know you're intelligent and I know you're a nice guy.

I love the clothes you wear though perhaps not the excess of skinny jeans but I guess they suit you (or I'm used to it).

I've wanted to kiss you since a 21st over a year ago. 

I've liked you since a night of Xbox that got me sick but it was worth it.

One of these days I really hope I can muster up the courage to just see what it's like. 

Admittedly, I'm half-scared it'll end horrifically and bye-bye to anything more and I think maybe that's holding me back but if I never try I'll never know. 

One day, I'll know.

News Flash

I feel as though this blog has become a news bulletin for our friends to read. I have so many things to say, but I feel that if I do write them here they will just be judged, or be misunderstood, or hurt people. Sometimes it's best to just say nothing.

Grown Up - Pt 2

Sometimes I don't say things but I'm starting to I think I should.
Sometimes I should say that what you did pisses me off instead of bitching about it to my friends. Sometimes I just don't think it's worth it. Why bother fighting over something like that, it's not worth the time or effort. I grew out of the whole confrontational thing when I was, you know, fourteen and I'm a grown up now.
But bottled up resentment isn't any better, I hear you say. And perhaps not but I'm not resentful, not really. Not the "bottled up" kind anyway. I bitch, I blog, I move on.

By move on I don't just mean from the issue I mean from those people who have pissed me off. Obviously we are now incongruous where we weren't before. It sucks, it really does, it's a pity, it's also life. In all honesty, why would you want to have a relationship with someone that doesn't make you happy?

Which brings me to my next point:
Fact: my best friend and I are unusually close, even by girl best friend standards. I get it, you perhaps do not have a relationship with someone that's like ours.
Fact: I do tell her pretty much everything about my life and vice versa.
Fact: She is ever anything less than supportive of whatever decision I, myself, choose to make regarding my happiness or needs - including any relationships I enter or exit.
Fiction: She somehow influenced me into breaking up with the boyfriend because she a) didn't like him (and have you met him? You can't NOT like that kid) b) didn't like her previously eternally single best friend having a boyfriend while she didn't (if so, that would be her issue that had nothing to do with me and would've caused issues between her and I not with the boyfriend) or c) is just a raging bitch (see above - why be friends with someone who doesn't make you happy?).

The ill-fated aforementioned drunk divulgence of the belief that I broke up with the boyfriend "because she told me so" was not followed with anything along the lines of "but I think that's bullshit" therefore, it implies to me that said divulger at least sees it as having some vestige of truth. It cannot be excused by "he was drunk, it was boy's night." Sorry, doesn't cut it babe - drunk words are sober thoughts and all. Nor can you blame the one who told me. Yes "what happens at boys night stays at boys night" but each of them knew I was there when they said it (cyberly) and it's not the person I'm mad at, it's the concept. It's the excuses you two gave that I'm mad it, it's you two not sympathising and backing me up. Perhaps that's childish, that I'm annoyed you don't agree with me.

From my other friends I can almost accept it. They perhaps don't know me as well as you two should, they don't know either of us as well as you two should. From you two, I'm...I just...can't believe you think that about me. I cannot fathom how you can think that I would ever do anything because someone else told me to, however indirectly. Also, I'm a little peeved on her behalf, do you really think she's that vindictive? That she'd sabotage my happiness in favour of hers? That's not what best friends do, they are supportive of you no matter what decision you make, they may express their disagreement but they respect your right to make your own choice. At least that's how we do it. No, she's not perfect, most definitely far from it, but hi sweetie, look in the mirror. Not only are she and I both annoyed that you think that because, it's quite hurtful to be honest but it's also so far from the truth it's practically living on the Moon. All you had to do was ask instead of assume. I was right there. Neither of you had ever asked me why I broke up with him (one of you didn't even respond to the text in which I told you about it). Then perhaps you'd know it was because I was not happy. That I perhaps broke up with him and hurt him, despite my efforts not to, because I made a selfish, individual decision to stop doing something that wasn't making me happy.
Me. Myself. I. Zoe.

Grown Up

I don't vent publicly via Facebook, I vent on here but sometimes I really wish I did because this doesn't get the same traffic that Facebook does and this has seriously pissed me off.

So apparently I'm a 5 year old that does things just because my best friend tells me too.

We're close guys but we're still our own separate person, we make our own separate decisions. Just because I tell her everything doesn't mean she makes my decisions for me.
I'm a grown up, I do things because I want to.

So, you know, that's upsetting - an undisclosed number of my friends think that I broke up with the boyfriend because my best friend told me to. That's a quite upsetting really and I am I think perfectly right in being a bit pissed off but whatever, they're entitled to their opinion and if they'd rather jump to ridiculous conclusions than say, you know asking me about it then that's their own fucking problem. I will bitch to my best friend because she is my best friend and that's what I do.

I don't think it's fair that one of you then decides to send me a text yelling at me about how she yelled at you. Why is it my fault? She's a grown up too, she makes her own fucking decisions also. Did I tell her what happened? Yes. I was upset and pissed off, why does it surprise you I told my best friend about it? That's what she's there for. Whatever she did with that information is up to her. If she decided to text you and yell at you about it then you should yell back at her. Not at me. Despite the fact that you said something hurtful about me I put it aside and moved on with my life because I'm you know A GROWN UP.

You know what the most hurtful thing is? That you've insulted my independence and my intelligence - essentially everything I pride myself on. That you think I am not my own person. That you think I am not independent enough to make my own decisions. That you think I am so immature and childish that I cannot think for myself and make my own decisions.

Yep, thanks guys.

I don't know who it is that said this but someone did and I'm not really mad at them I'm just upset that anyone would think that about me.

Artistic License and Creative Genius

I think creative people are amazing. 

I think they see the world in a completely different way. Whether it be artists, musicians, writers etc.
They see the world in a completely different way to "normal" people and they can describe it  in a way "normal" people can only dream of and wonder "why didn't I think of that first"?
They see sunsets or significant moments or something so serenely beautiful or so devastatingly sad and manage to capture it in such a specific yet ambivalent way so that every person who experiences that piece of art can take something different from it. 

They're a little bit eccentric too I think, you have to be when you see the world like that. With their doodles, scribbles and jottings, never knowing when inspiration will strike. That's my favourite part, asking about the moment they were inspired to create that, whether it be a glance out the window, an aggregation of beats only they can hear or a walk in the park. It's those stories that I love to hear. I want to know why. Why did inspiration strike in that moment, why did their (sub)consciousness choose that to stimulate them? I love inspiration. 

I don't mean this as a slight to said "normal" people, for the most part I am one. I couldn't draw to save my life and my musical prowess is only evident in my dreams, I do however, on occasion think I'm not too shabby of a writer. So while I am in absolute awe of the creative brilliance of artists and musos, on the other hand I am eternally grateful that sometimes I experience that strange and inexplicable moment of inspiration where your muse kicks into gear and all you want to do is record it but often your hands can't keep up with your muse so you just try and get as much as you can down either on paper or imprinted into your mind and hope she sticks around to finish.

Masochistic is not a dirty word.

Sometimes it sort of worries me how much smug satisfaction I get out of the aches and pains, bumps and bruises that come from playing sport.

Whether it be bruises and scratches from contact with other players, with the floor, with my own teammates, or aching muscles from a hard training session that leaves me hobbling around for days, every time I feel that moment of pain I also feel a little surge of glee.

I think it's the "if I hurt I am alive" thing but it makes me feel good, like I've done SOMETHING.

I'm probably slightly masochistic but not in a creepy way so I'm cool with it.

Awaiting

That moment where you send a text and you await a return and it never comes and you heart just beats constantly like it's a night before an exam and you can't sleep. I keep thinking everything over and over and I really just need to get my assignment done.

On another note, I did the relay for life yesterday afternoon. It felt really great to get involved. Yesterday was a good day. Though I'm feeling very sore today.

Le Francais

Oh my God I miss French.

It just hits me sometimes, Hakuna Matata en francais, a Facebook status from a friend in France, seeing someone I had French with, a French phrase in a history lecture or text book.

I don't believe in regrets, but I almost hate myself for dropping French.

I can't wait to get back to France.

Bella Swan - Out of their League

"[Cassandra Clare] joins Harry Potter star J.K. Rowling, Twilight writer Stephanie Meyer and Hunger Games scribe Suzanne Collins in creating strong female characters for young girls to aspire to."

I'm sorry, did you just compare Clary (and Isabelle), Hermione and Katniss to Bella Swan?
Like seriously?
Do we really need to rehash this?
When Clary's boyfriend left her, she went to the ends of the earth to save him and get him back.
When Hermione's boyfriend left her, she kept on helping Harry save the world.
When Katniss' boyfriend went crazy and started to hate her, she did everything to bring him back to her.
When Bella's boyfriend left her, she went into some sort of freaky walking-coma thing and then jumped off a cliff.
That is not a strong female. I do not ever want to be like Bella Swan.
I want to be like Clary, who uses her art to save the world.
I want to be like Hermione, who uses her intelligence to save the world.
I want to be Katniss, who uses her bravery to save her world.

Feels (or Everything I Shouldn't Say)

I'm having one of those days...
I'm having one of those days (the past couple of days actually) where I can't bear to see you. Because it kind of hurts (not in the normal heartbreaky way but in the somebody-that-I-used-to-know way) and I almost regret it and I just feel like I want you even though I know I don't, at least not the way you want(ed) me.
And I hate you for it and I hate seeing you and that's even worse because it's so not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault.

And so many times I've almost said something, almost sent you a message, late at night, in the truthful hours, when I knew you'd be awake. So many times I've just wanted to kiss you because I remember what it's like and I remember that I liked it, more than anyone else which I'm sure everyone will find strange. But I like(d) you and that's what happens. I think you're pretty (there really is no other word for it) and I like to look at you and I like so many other things about us that kept me there longer than I perhaps should've. It's not enough though, it wasn't enough, it's somewhere in the middle which is pushing me towards insanity because it's too much and too little all at the same time and I just wish it would end. It almost did, I was almost distracted but that fell through and now I'm back noticing what first drew me in that fateful night at the pub.

I just...I miss you. I want to talk to you but I think that as soon as I do I'll say something or imply something that screams mixed signals and I gave you enough of those.

Every fibre of my being knows I made the right decision and that I also shouldn't breathe a word to you or anyone (save BFFL) about this but I'm having all these feelings and I just...don't know how to be around you, even cyberly. You're just pissing me off and drawing me in all at the same time without even doing anything and that's what the worst part is you don't even know.

Neither Male nor British - Just Hannah

I came on here to be all melancholy and anguished but then I saw Han's Happy Birthday post and it made me smile so I'll put aside my tensional ranting for later.

I've already said all I could possibly say about Han's amazingness and how I love this blog for being our glue so now I just want to say how she put a smile on my dial.

You're up there with One Direction and David Tennant, Han - which is high praise coming from me considering you're neither male nor British.

To You

Today is a special day. Someone special in my life has beat teen pregnancy haha.
We lend each other books and dvds all the time and now I must give her something to keep. I hope she doesn't mind her present coming late, but I know she will be proud that I'm buying something online, because I never do and have a slight phobia that someone will steal all my computerised money. I don't know what to write that I haven't before about her on this blog, but i will say this; I'm glad I have found a friend who loves to watch game of thrones and pretty little liars with me and doesn't mind talking through the whole thing, who doesn't get annoyed when I laugh at something cheesy in a stephanie myer film (which is all the time), who brings me icecream and entertains me when I'm recovering from an operation and who will give me a lift to dinner when I'm too tired to drive and who will dress up in silly costumes even though she hates them just for her friends. She is someone who can act silly and shallow at the right times, but is perfectly balanced with depth and honesty and intelligence and empathy. She knows that when I say she is stupendous I'm not calling her stupid, and we ogle at cute guys on PLL together. I feel that she knows so much that I don't know, about history and literature and I am constantly learning around her, which reminds me that I need to get her to show me how to use semi-columns properly. She makes me a better person. It is a friendship I never knew would form and I am glad it did.
Happy 20th Birthday.

#lifelessonslearntfromDisney

I so desperately wanted to post this on Facebook but I hate what it when people do that and that's what this blog is for, I just hate that it'll only receive a limited audience.

First off, click here and read (or skim) this post about Disney's new 'I am a Princess' video campaign to promote Disney Princesses as strong, brave and generous rather as being apparently just meek and beautiful and with the sole aspiration of finding a husband.

Personally I find Martha Kempner's view a bit harsh. I think even classic Disney princesses from the 90s and beyond taught us good values - Snow White and Aurora taught us to be kind to all creatures, Cinderella taught us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us and that what goes around comes around, Ariel taught us to go after what we want, Belle and Jasmine taught us that love is more important than what you look like and where you came from, Pocahontas taught us that we're all the same and Mulan (who's not actually a princess by the way but according to Disney she is) taught us to do what's right.

It's not just Rapunzel and Merida that were brave and strong and generous.

If you've seen my Tumblr the majority of my posts are Disney related, often hash-tagged with 'Life Lessons Learn from Disney' because Disney taught me so many things and continues to do so. I do aspire to be like Mulan (my favourite "princess"), not because she's a 'Princess' but because she stood up for herself and did what was right. She was a warrior. She took responsibility and did what she had to save herself, her family and her country. And then she found a husband, who she was willing to give up to again save her country. Disney was my entire childhood and continues to be a humongous part of my life, I can't fathom how someone can view it so negatively. Disney taught me so many things and every time I watch a Disney movie I fall in love all over again.

I don't think the video, as Kempner comments, is literally saying that girls should aspire to be princesses (there are only a limited number of royal families left after all) more that they should aspire to have the characteristics and values that Disney princesses (and princes and all other characters from the Disney films for that matter) have: generosity, kindness, determination, bravery, independence, love, individuality, creativity, open-mindedness, loyalty among others from the long list of traits those girls and women have.

I grew up without the "good moral" Disney princess movies (Brave and Tangled) with the "happily ever afters," the "mustfindahusbands" and the "gender-role ruts" (which again, Mulan) and I turned out pretty well I think.
I believe that I am independent (possibly to the point of crazy-feminist-come-cat-lady as my recent, and brief, foray into boyfriend-land taught me), thoughtful, considerate, neither narcissistic nor slutty nor do I aspire to be the "fairest of them all" or, the modern interpretation "hottest of them all."
If your daughter is growing up with the aspiration to become a damsel in distress Paris Hilton/Kim Kardashian type maybe it's your own parenting, not Disney movies, that is the issue.

You are raising your child, not Disney.

Read This Book

Read Love Story by Erich Segal.

It won't take you long, 130-something pages.
Just read it.

I can't explain why exactly it is that I'm so adamant about it I just think it's one of those books you should read at least once.
It's so short and yet it tells such a powerful story in such a wonderfully funny way that I feel like it'll add something to your life that you didn't even know you were missing.

Just...read this book.

Thank You

I love this blog. I really and truly do.
It's just...amazing. It's perfect. God, I just LOVE it.

I love that I can write and vent and bitch and whine and just get my feelings out about pretty much anything without any judging (to my face anyway).

I feel like it's helped Hannah and I get closer too, given us something to bond over and helped us get to know each other. Because even if nothing personal or important is necessarily revealed, every post is like a conversation, a dialogue between me and her that gives me some small insight into what makes her the amazing person that she is.

So thank you, Han, thank you so much for agreeing to do this with me that windy day in Launching Place at an archery range. Thank you so so much. Thank you for this blog, and thank you for you.

Now

Nearly everything is perfect. Things are looking interesting in my near future. I'm happy nearly all the time. But there are a few problems that I wish I could just wave my non-existant magic wand and they would go away. But it's not that easy, and I am putting off dealing with them. The first one being the assignment i should be working on right now. I am constantly critiquing things that should just be left alone. And now I have to spend my afternoon reading critiques and making critiques on evolutionary psychology. Its worse than psychology which looks at how we behave, it tries to understand why we developed these behaviours in the first place. GAH. This is the smallest problem I have, but it's the easiest to write and bitch about, and the friends I know who occasionally read this wont blink an eyelid.

Sharing Isn't Always Caring

I wrote something a few nights ago that I so desperately want to post but I know, rationally, that it is far too intimate to be shared and far too truthful to be known.

Some things must remain private, not everything can be revealed.
Some things belong to others as well, not solely to me.
Some things probably don't need to be shared, and therefore shouldn't

It sucks though 'cause it manages to encapsulate how I feel almost perfectly.

Must love BFFLs

Sometimes I wonder if our relationship is the reason why we suck at guys.

We are freakishly close and, on occasion, seconds-from-crossing-the-line-close. We're one third old married couple, one third friends and one third twins-separated-at-birth. I know that most of our friends don't understand us, accept us for who we are and that our relationship is like that, yes, but get it? Certainly not. Sometimes even I think it's weird. It is weird but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. Despite the licking and the snuggling and the conversations about our future conjoining houses or our own farm and promises that no boy will ever come between us or separate us, that line is still very much there (it's the Great Wall of China of lines) and we remain very much on this side of it, no matter what everyone else thinks or says. We know how fine the line is and we're well aware of what it would take to cross it but we stay far away from such things and I do love you, probably more than anything.

We're not really the reason why our boy-relationships suck, because you have issues that have nothing to do with me and are completely different to my issues and my relationship failings have nothing to do with you. However, how close we are I think definitely has an impact because anyone who didn't like the other one of us and wouldn't put up with our relationship wouldn't be an option.

My Therapy

I lied.
I guess I'm not done but you know what? This blog is half mine so I can flood it with whatever damn topic I so choose for however long I choose and you can either just scroll on by or read through to my soul.

This is my therapy.

I'm back at square one yet I feel like I took 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Not only in our 'relationship' but with all my other friends as well. I don't know what's worse, everyone acting normal, like nothing ever happened, including your friends urging you to 'get some' right in front of me or people walking on eggshells around us like my friends half-are. I wish we just didn't have to deal with it at all. Like along with everyone acting like nothing happened, if we could feel like nothing ever happened, that would be nice.

I am a strong believer in having no regrets because why regret something you once wanted? And I know that I don't really regret any of this but it's been hard to remember it sometimes. The phrase "I do not believe in regrets" has become my mantra as I've repeated it over and over to myself as guilt ridden thoughts chase each other through my mind; could've, should've, would've but I didn't.

Everyone says "You did the right thing," "Don't feel guilty," or "It's not your fault" but what I'm waiting for is for someone to say "Why didn't you realise before you put him through that?" It's what I ask myself. The rational side of my brain knows that our friends are yours and mine and therefore aren't liable to fly off the handle at me about this but I'm still half-expecting it happen.
I don't want to say this was a disaster but it was far from perfect and it was honestly a bit of a shamble.

You know what makes the no-regrets thing even harder? All those little things that remind me of you. It was 3 and a half weeks give or take but you'd be surprised how much stuff makes me think of you.
The Coles car insurance ad, the word "awkward," every time I touch the ring on my finger because you used to play with it when we held hands, even just the idea of driving up to Emerald because I know it'll take me past the turn off to your house and I know in a few months 'Lost - Michael Bublé' will remind me of you too 'cause it's been on repeat for 3 days and will continue to be I'm sure.

This time I'm not making an promises 'cause obviously I break them so all I'm saying is this who I am and this is going to take as long as it's going to take and if you stick around, you're gonna hear about it every step of the way.

This is my therapy.

Parting Gifts (or Everything I Can't Say)

So this is what it's like: Michael Bublé on repeat and the flu.

I suppose at least the parting gifts I received aren't visible, sorry about those by the way but you know I can't help myself.

On the other hand, once you put a shirt on you can forget about them (I was always considerate at least) whereas I'm stuck blowing my nose every two minutes.

In a few days I know both of our 'parting gifts' will have vanished and it's the invisible marks we'll be dealing with but hopefully they wont be sticking around and influencing our lives too long.

Sorry, again.

// I'm done, I swear. Last one. Promise. //

Bubbles and endings and logistics

So, that sort of...ended.

It was my fault, well not my fault but if anyone is to blame it's definitely not him. It didn't end half as badly as I'd expected though, and it ended far better than I probably deserved.

Now I'm back to square one which at present is logistically impossible but I think probably the best thing for me right about now.

I can't pinpoint where it all went wrong, mainly because I'm not entirely convinced it was ever all right. We went from naught to 60 in less than 2.2 seconds and then I think he kept going from there and I was stuck trying to play catch up.

Even though it was neither of our faults, I still feel awful and guilty for just...popping the bubble. It was a nice bubble to be in don't get me wrong, but his side of the bubble was plump and pink with rainbows and stuff and mine was just...normal. Even when I put the rose-coloured glasses on it wasn't like his. Our halves of the bubble were not on the same page and that was not a good thing.

So POP and now I'm left dealing with the consequences but overall I feel much better even though I hate that it had to happen.

All the small things

It's the small things in life that really matter.

Like speaking in Italian automatically instead of French.
Like hearing the rain while you're in bed.
Like waking up to "good morning" texts.
Like reading a good back.
Like that post-workout exhaustion that makes you smile.
Like sleeping in on a weekday.
Like skipping class (on occasion).
Like learning something new.

Time.

"Time makes fools of us all."
*~*~*~*
"Time is money."
*~*~*~*
"Where did the time go?"
*~*~*~*
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us."
*~*~*~*
"You may delay, but time will not."
*~*~*~*
"The trouble is, you think you have time."
*~*~*~*
"When was the last time you did something for the first time?"
*~*~*~*
"Time waits for no man."
*~*~*~*
"Time heals all wounds."
*~*~*~*
"The bad news is time flies. The good news is, you're the pilot."
*~*~*~*
"Time is chasing after us all."
*~*~*~*

Originally, I intended for this to be a rant about how my time management skills are exquisite, I just have too much stuff going on in my life (Uni, work, basketball/netball, coaching, boyfriend, friends etc.) to juggle it all and I just wanted a really good quote to start me off but as I was Googling, I couldn't decide which one I wanted so it became simply a collection of time related quotes that struck me. Enjoy.

*All quotes belong to a variety of people, none of whom are me. Google will tell you who first spake them if you so desire to know.

Some things I hate...

I hate depression and suicide.

How generic, who doesn't?

The reason why I hate it is because I don't get it and so it scares me. I can't relate so how can I help? It's so far out of my realm of existence that I just can't contemplate how it could ever be that bad.

I guess that means I'm lucky, and I certainly consider myself such, but I just can't believe that these people have NO ONE who can help them out or that they can't help themselves.

If I don't have my friends or my family to help me through whatever, I have characters from books or movies, songs, a poem something that helps me get through whatever. Music mainly, I have 3 songs (so far) that always manage to get me out of my funk.

I Don't Need a Man - PCD

'I don't need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing.'
I do, in fact 'have a man' now but I think my point still stands, he does not, and will not, define my life.


Wings - Little Mix

'Don't let what they say keep you up at night
And if they give you shhhh...
Then they can walk on by.'
Captain Jack Sparrow said it: sticks and stones, love.
If there is someone in your life who's giving you shit, get rid of them, I dont care who they are, they're not someone who cares about you.


Survivor - Destiny's Child 
'I'm a survivor
I'm gonna make it.'
Survival of the fittest, always remember, you were the fastest sperm (unless of course you were a testtube baby, in that case just remember how badly your parents wanted you).

So there they are, my go to when-I'm-feeling-down songs. Yes, look at that they're all girl groups, maybe I'm secretly a closet feminist, but there are lines in these songs that are like my mantras.

God, maybe I'm being insensitive, I don't know this is just how I handle things because this is how I was raised, as an independent woman with a loving family and friends who care about her who is lucky enough to not be able to comprehend how life could ever be bad enough to consider ending it.

University

The whole time I was in high school I was always slightly worried about University. So much independence, choosing your career, study. Teachers always made it out to be really demanding, so difficult. And now I am at University starting my third and final year I am loving it. No more 9-3:30 days where teachers pester you for homework and you have 6 completely different subjects. Just freedom. I don't miss school one little bit. Not even the friends. I see my friends from school quite often. And we do way more exciting things than we ever did while at school since we all have money/jobs and drive.
So what sparked me to start writing about this now? I am in the first week of 3rd year and I am loving it. My subjects are fun. Today I wrote out floral formulas of flowers and sifted through dust for micro-organisms. It was the ultimate where's wally. There is something relaxing about staring down a dissection microscope. The clarity and detail that the human eye misses. It is really beautiful. I also decided to join the Science society (mainly for the free BBQs) and met some great people this afternoon.
It was a long day. I had a gig last night and didn't get home till after 1 and had to get up before 7 for work. And I am exhausted. But I put 100% in today and have a positive outlook on the year to come. Everyday is different; some busy, some adventurous, some boring. And it beats the constricting routine of school. So time just flies and I feel like there is so much potential for my future, so much to explore, so much to learn and I look forward to it more than I did when I lived a sheltered high school life.

Better

So...that didn't happen but this is so infinitely better.

Like butterflies better.
Like no words better.
Like we actually TALK better.
Like oh my God I just want to kiss you better.
Like "I think you guys are cute together" better.
Like it's-been-so-long-since-someone's-held-my-hand better.
Like I never thought I'd find you this attractive again better.
Like I smile when I get your texts better.
Like there's-no-such-thing-as-friend-zoned better.
Just so so SO much better.

Dysfunctional to a T

If this actually ever comes to something, we are going to have the most dysfunctional non-relationship ever.

I don't smile when I get your texts, sometimes I even groan but mostly I laugh and not in a good way. You infuriate me with every second word that comes out of your mouth (or out of your fingers as we're texting). Even just talking to you drives me towards your ex-best friend because he's just not you.

We've been talking again for all of 5 days and already had a blow up. I know that this morning, we were both acting like it never happened but you did hurt me by what you said last night and I haven't decided yet if I'm over it or not. We established that rule number 1 of this thing is COMMUNICATION and I'm already not telling you things.

Part of me knows, knows, this will not work, because this stuff never works, they make movies and TV show plots about how it never works, but I want to try it anyway. I only hope that it doesn't ever result in hurting him. Another thing I haven't told you about and won't unless something happens because I'm being selfish and I'm afraid it's going to backfire in a big way but it's not stopping me anyway.

I'm writing a pro-con list only with you, I don't know what is a pro and what is a con because everything that's bad about you is what I think will be good for me right now.

I really don't know how this is going to go, there are so many obstacles and I don't know if it's worth trying to find a way past them all.

Changes

I havent written in a while. And I should because I have made two major changes to my life.
The first seems silly but i bought an iPhone. And everything is suddenly better. I have internet when im out, i can actually receive msgs and not have to worry about a bloody full inbox. I can play games, listen to music. EVERYTHING. I also love instagram. I am so in love with it that i'm sure people are sick of seeing pictures of my dog.
Change #2: I joined the gym. I've decided after doing a month trial that i need to join the gym. I have never been to motivated to exercise in my life. I love it. I feel so good walking out of there after a class or good workout.
Change#3: I know i said two changes, but i didn't make the third, but it still affects me. Dads partners son (I shall call him A, as I want to keep with tradition of not using names) and his girlfriend (R) moved into dads place last weekend. I has been so fun having them there, and i hate to do it but i will like it to having a new puppy. I like going to dads. R and A are both chefs and make amazing food. A has an obsession with anything western and weaponary. He has a bow and arrow, large knives, a whip, and has swapped the suction cups on his nurf gun bullets for pins. If he wasnt such a livey character i would be a tad anxious. R is just lovely. We stayed up late just talking the other night and convincing everyone to play cards with us. They dont just keep to themselves in their room behind the garage, they interact with everyone like a normal family. I am happy that they chose to move in.

It Was One Night!

We went out to the pub for one night! One night! And I left half an hour earlier than everyone else and it all went to hell.

One friend is pissed at the guy she likes coz the both of them hooked up with other people (she was first so honestly she doesn't really have a leg to stand on if you ask me), another friend is pissed at the guy she likes coz he hooked up with his almost-ex (as in they almost dated not they're almost broken up) after being an ass to her half the night (more justifiable), another friend hooked up with a friend's brother only she didn't know it was his brother (that's not so bad, just a bit awks and very funny).

This is why I don't pub. Alcohol plus emotions plus randoms equals baddddddd.

Ah well, what can you do? I still love my friends anyway, each and every one of them.

Drafts and Therapy

You would be amazed (or perhaps you wouldn't) how many blog posts I start or ideas I get that I never end up actually publishing. The notes folder on my phone is full of them, scraps of paper litter my desk with ideas jotted down in a hurry, not to mention the ZoHan drafts folder.

Some of them I can't get the wording right, some of them I lose interest in, some of them too much time passes between inspiration and publication, some of them are too close to the chest for me to reveal, even if it is just to Hannah.

In a way though, just the act of writing them down and thinking about the topic in question is enough. I use this blog as a type of therapy (for want of a better word) 'Essentials of the ZoHan Life' is the friend that always listens and never interrupts and just lets you vent your feelings whether they be about the stupidity of the world, the cute guy you saw at the coffee shop or One Direction's haircuts. And it's guilt free venting, I don't have to worry that I'm not listening enough or talking too much, or acting unconcerned about their problems and being selfish. Not that I often feel this way with my friends, I have amazing, beautiful friends who would always be happy to listen to me if I wanted or needed them to but some times I worry that I'm talking too much and not listening enough.

For some reason I have an inherent fear of being selfish and inconsiderate. I still am at times, I'm sure, but I try to think about things from the other person's point of view, imagine what life is like in their shoes. Of course it doesn't always work like that and sometimes I do steal the last bit of chocolate or cut in front of people but I do try to imagine how they see it and how their life has lead them to this point.

This post has digressed so totally from its starting point I can't even see the beginning anymore but, like I said, therapy. I write and words come out, sometimes it's not what I had intended at all but they're often the times I like the most.

Let's play cards!

I can't stop thinking about how my friends, instead of going out clubbing, drinking, doing drugs, hooking up and having sex with randoms, are cool with just going to someone's house and playing cards, for HOURS, completely sober.
That's not to say we don't ever go out and drink, we do, it's just evenly balanced with nights of cards.

We're quite happy to take turns hosting either spur-of-the-moment or planned-in-advance card nights and spend hours playing games we already know or learning new ones.

Maybe it's old fashioned, something grandparents do and not young people-ish but I love it.

Tolkein

It's been so long since I've read The Hobbit or The Lord of the Rings that I'd complete forgotten how different Tolkein's style of writing is.
I've been reading modern novels so long I forgot the style that used to be prevalent back when books were the main source of entertainment.
Tolkein's style is so completely different from anything I can remember reading before yet still fundamentally the same.
It does remind me of Thomas Hardy's Mayor of Casterbridge though, they have the same split-narrative style where the story teller is half just telling the story and half talking directly to you, the reader.
At first it's a big confronting, no one really writes like that anymore and I think if anyone even did now it wouldn't be taken well. But then, like anything, you get used to it, this dialogue between long-dead author and reader makes the whole experience a little more intimate, a little more real, the story a little more real. Tolkien talks to you like you know these places they travel through, like you know about the existences of Hobbits, Dwarves, Elves, Wizards and accept it as fact.

Dear, dear Harry, we've reached the end again

I have read Harry Potter so many times I've lost count, I distinctly remember getting to the end of the Order of the Phoenix, flipping over and starting again straight away. No matter how many times I read each of them, or in what order, nothing compares to the indescribable feeling I get when I finish the Deathly Hallow. Despite the perfect ending ("all was well") I am always inexplicably sad. 7 long books and a substantial chunk of my life so far, and of my childhood always, is finished again and while I come back to Harry again and again I can't help but remember the excitement I felt when I picked this book up for the first time on its release date in 2007, nor the sense of finality when I reached that last page for the first time and knew Harry Potter was over forever.

As the wonderful woman, J.K. Rowling said: "Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home" and she was right. Whether I be 10, 19, 25, 53, 67, 84 or any ages beyond or between Harry Potter will always be my default when I'm looking for amazing characters and intricate plot.
Harry Potter will never be a great work of literature, it has sporadic (mostly spoken by Albus Dumbeldore) moments of exquisite phrasing but it's the characters and the world J.K. created that keep you coming back.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, thank you J.K. Rowling, from the bottom of my heart, for sharing this world with us.

I'm a Winter

Part of me longs to live in a place where you take your jacket off when you go inside and put it back on when you go outside. While the rational part of my brain goes "Zo, the novelty would wear off REAL fast" and "You LOVE Australia, you know you're never going to leave!" the irrational side goes "EUROPEAN FASHION!! ENGLAND!! (because I know the only other place i'd live would be Europe and, most likely, somewhere the UK)" and, as we all know, the irrational side is a lot louder. Probably helps that it's waving a multitude of hot British and Irish personalities with their sexy-as-all-hell accents in front of my face (because, you know, my brain has arms).

Don't get me wrong, I am well aware that in the winter months even Australia can get that cold so maybe what I mean is that part of me longs for the lifestyle where "light layers" isn't the way to go, where thick jackets and coats are necessary to keep you warm when you're wearing nice, but thin, clothing underneath. A lifestyle that, for a short time at least during the Australian winter, I hope to one day achieve.

It also may just be a case of "grass is always greener" (though I like my grass a good heat and drought faded yellow thank you very much) and my ever present xenophilia.

I think, I have to admit that though I always say I can't decide between Summer and Winter which is my favourite season, that it's got to be Winter. Despite the sun and the outdoors of the Summer months, I love scarves and hats and beanies and coats and boots and hot chocolate (which always tastes better when it's cold) and sitting inside and watching the rain.

NEWS HEADLINE: ZOE IS AMAZING

I went to Zoe's the other night. We stayed up late watching game of thrones, eating ice cream, talking and drinking sour monkey. We ate party pies and sausage rolls for lunch. Then a couple of nights later she came over and we cooked tacos, finished game of thrones and headed off to the drive ins to see ruby sparks. She gave me shuttlecocks that light up so now we can play badminton in the dark! If that is not a thoughtful gift than what is? She doesn't get angry with me for talking through movies and she will even join in. We have similar interests. We enjoy reading, watching perhaps slightly trashy TV, and gossiping. Zoe is a fun person to spend time with and I enjoy spending time with her. Next week she has organised a girls night and I'm so psyched! One of the best things about Zoe is that she meets you halfway. I don't feel I have to put in a whole lot of effort because it just works. Zoe is a-mazing!

I just think you should check this out...

http://fozmeadows.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/why-ya-sex-scenes-matter/

Above is a link to a blog/article that I was introduced to via the wonderful 'happy-place' that is Tumblr.

Essentially (if you don't want to read the whole, admittedly long-winded, thing) it says that society, pop-culture, etc promotes a male-dominant image of sex for young teenage girls (and boys for that matter) who are just starting to explore the whole "sex thing." An image where it's "okay" if she says no and he doesn't listen. 
It says that Young Adult novels that involve sex scenes and the topic of sex in general are good because they're teaching young girls (as their target demographic) about how you should be treated, about contraception, about their own sexuality and bodies rather than the fucking we see on screen and in porn. 
And YA novels are teaching this to young girls in a positive and accepted way in that it's not prohibited. They're not like "dirty magazines" you have to hide or sex scenes on TV you have to change the channel on incase your parents walk in, it's in books you can read anywhere and it's acceptable which makes the themes and lessons it teaches acceptable and good and positive which they should be.

This blog post just kind of struck me a little because it got me thinking, YA books are how we learnt about sex, sure we did sex-ed and biology but these books are where we learnt how it feels or how it should feel and yes, I think that for the most part it's too much sunshine, daisies and fireworks but it's far better than the alternative society has produced.