Screenshots

I found the screenshots I'd saved of our conversations again, cute things we'd said, stuff that had made me laugh and smile, how we came about. It's not the first time I've come across them since but it's the first I've been able to delete them.

They're gone.

I feel now, that I have some closure, I guess if I can even call it that (there wasn't much to close after all). Despite the brief time period the emotions were still there and I guess it took me 4 months and alcohol circa 2 weekends ago to realise.

We'll talk about it one day perhaps, I always seem to, even if it takes 12 months. One day, late at night, when all the remnants of feelings are gone we'll talk about it and shake our heads and laugh.

Rest

The Doctor has ordered me to rest. So why does it feel so bad when I do nothing? I am so used to getting fewer hours sleep, never taking time off work, and studying when I am not working to keep up with the uni flow. So when I send an email off to the unit chair asking if I could sit the test another day along with a medical certificate, why do I feel like I am cheating the system? Why does a little part of me say "you aren't sick enough that you can't go to uni and sit the test, you just haven't studied enough" And it's hard to remember that one of the reasons I haven't studied is because I have been busy and unwell, and I have tried my best to fit in as much study as I can and I am only human. The doctor asked me when my last holiday was and I honestly couldn't tell him because apart from a weekend in sorrento  it must have been christmas time. My social life is next to non-existant, and the last time I had the chance to go see a movie or sit down and read a book is a distant memory. This is the one time where I have a legitimate chance to take a breath so why can't I take it without feeling guilty? My lifestyle sucks balls.

Group Politics

You're right that when things happen in our group it affects more than the people that are directly involved, we all get involved.

And sometimes I love that. That we're all so ridiculously close tight knit that there's no such thing as secrets, that everyone knows everything, that we all gossip.

But, on the other hand, if (for some reason) you do need to keep a secret, unless you do just keep it to yourself, it's nigh impossible to keep it from getting out. We've got best friends and boyfriends/girlfriends that negate the whole 'don't tell anyone' thing not to mention the discovery/new acquaintance we've made with alcohol which not only lowers inhibitions but apparently the walls behind which secrets are kept. Which sucks if the secret you were keeping was to prevent hurting someone else, a secret you were planning on telling them in your own time, just not yet, because it'd be better to hear it from you rather than from the rumour mill.

One surprising factor to this close knit group we are a part of is there's little to no in-fighting which is sort of surprising. Surprising because being in such close quarters so often with 20-odd people of greatly varying personalities would be sure to result in clashes, which it does of course, but either they're minor or we're mature enough at this point to just let it go and accept that not everyone is going to agree with you.

Even on the rare instances that two people within our incestuous group of friends do have a serious falling out, it doesn't really affect the other friendships, nor should it. We're grown ups now. Just because you don't like person A all that much doesn't mean you can't spend time with person B, C, D, E, F, G etc. just because person A will also be there. We're a big enough group that you can go a whole party without saying a word to person A if you don't want to, trust me.

Sorry

My life has been going pretty well recently. Yes I have been extremely busy and slightly stressed, but over all good. I just miss my friends. I haven't seen some of them for two months. It doesn't feel like that long because I have been so preoccupied, but it has been a while and I really miss them. I get to see most of them this weekend and I am really excited to see them all. Unfortunately there is one change in my life that may make it awkward to see them all and some believe that I am avoiding them because of it. I just want to put it out there that I am not. Not one bit. Yes, there is one person that I don't want to hurt, so I have been keeping things on the down low, but I'm not keeping secrets and sneaking around and avoiding anyone. I just want to wave my magic wand and send all weirdness/awkwardness/sadness away. But I can't. Sometimes I think that my group of friends is so tight knit that when something happens between two people it affects more than just them. I am sorry to all the people I may have hurt.

Dude, come on

What the hell is going on with you?

You can't not reply to my text messages and then Facebook me with a question like you haven't been ignoring my messages! And apparently I'm not the only one whose messages you've been ignoring. Maybe the ignoring of messages is just a boy thing and you are pretty notorious for it but I was mad at you and I'm not fully un-mad at you yet so this is not helping! 

I get that you're not okay, and I sort of get that you're male and can't talk to me 'cause I'm stuck in the middle but I'm still your friend. I'm your best friend. 

You could at least reply to my messages and maybe drop a line of explanation as to why I haven't seen you even though we had two 21sts this weekend and you didn't rock up to either.

Talk to me. Please. I miss you. 

Due Dates

Due dates exist, they're a fact of life.

If you can't meet due dates in high school or in uni, how will you ever be able to meet them in life?

If your essay is due on Friday at 5pm, then your essay is due at 5pm on Friday, not 5:01, not midnight, not Saturday, not next week. Friday. 5pm.

Assignments do suck and more than once I have had to race a deadline but I always manage to submit my work. It might not always be fantastic, it might not always meet the criteria/word limit but it's always in by the deadline. Even if I could improve my assignment and hand it in at a later date I still get it in by the deadline, then it's over. If I was actually capable of making my assignment of a higher standard then I would've started it earlier and I would have had it finished by the deadline.
Besides, I can't handle the stress! I stress out enough rushing to a deadline, I can't imagine what I'd be like post-deadline!

Of course, it's all up to the individual but, come on, barring exceptional circumstances, just get your stuff down by the deadline, it's not impossible.

Wrong.

Something is still wrong.

There's this weird...tension between us, we're not like we were before.

We say the same things, our things (BFFL, your face doesn't make sense) but it doesn't feel right.

I don't know how to fix it, I don't even know what it is. Maybe it's because of me, because I don't like the new guy, because I'm not saying anything because I know you won't like what I have to say nor will you follow my advice anyway so why bother?

We drove 40km in silence and it would've been 60 if I hadn't had to ask for directions. 

Something is wrong.