Masochistic is not a dirty word.

Sometimes it sort of worries me how much smug satisfaction I get out of the aches and pains, bumps and bruises that come from playing sport.

Whether it be bruises and scratches from contact with other players, with the floor, with my own teammates, or aching muscles from a hard training session that leaves me hobbling around for days, every time I feel that moment of pain I also feel a little surge of glee.

I think it's the "if I hurt I am alive" thing but it makes me feel good, like I've done SOMETHING.

I'm probably slightly masochistic but not in a creepy way so I'm cool with it.

Awaiting

That moment where you send a text and you await a return and it never comes and you heart just beats constantly like it's a night before an exam and you can't sleep. I keep thinking everything over and over and I really just need to get my assignment done.

On another note, I did the relay for life yesterday afternoon. It felt really great to get involved. Yesterday was a good day. Though I'm feeling very sore today.

Le Francais

Oh my God I miss French.

It just hits me sometimes, Hakuna Matata en francais, a Facebook status from a friend in France, seeing someone I had French with, a French phrase in a history lecture or text book.

I don't believe in regrets, but I almost hate myself for dropping French.

I can't wait to get back to France.

Bella Swan - Out of their League

"[Cassandra Clare] joins Harry Potter star J.K. Rowling, Twilight writer Stephanie Meyer and Hunger Games scribe Suzanne Collins in creating strong female characters for young girls to aspire to."

I'm sorry, did you just compare Clary (and Isabelle), Hermione and Katniss to Bella Swan?
Like seriously?
Do we really need to rehash this?
When Clary's boyfriend left her, she went to the ends of the earth to save him and get him back.
When Hermione's boyfriend left her, she kept on helping Harry save the world.
When Katniss' boyfriend went crazy and started to hate her, she did everything to bring him back to her.
When Bella's boyfriend left her, she went into some sort of freaky walking-coma thing and then jumped off a cliff.
That is not a strong female. I do not ever want to be like Bella Swan.
I want to be like Clary, who uses her art to save the world.
I want to be like Hermione, who uses her intelligence to save the world.
I want to be Katniss, who uses her bravery to save her world.

Feels (or Everything I Shouldn't Say)

I'm having one of those days...
I'm having one of those days (the past couple of days actually) where I can't bear to see you. Because it kind of hurts (not in the normal heartbreaky way but in the somebody-that-I-used-to-know way) and I almost regret it and I just feel like I want you even though I know I don't, at least not the way you want(ed) me.
And I hate you for it and I hate seeing you and that's even worse because it's so not your fault. Nothing about this is your fault.

And so many times I've almost said something, almost sent you a message, late at night, in the truthful hours, when I knew you'd be awake. So many times I've just wanted to kiss you because I remember what it's like and I remember that I liked it, more than anyone else which I'm sure everyone will find strange. But I like(d) you and that's what happens. I think you're pretty (there really is no other word for it) and I like to look at you and I like so many other things about us that kept me there longer than I perhaps should've. It's not enough though, it wasn't enough, it's somewhere in the middle which is pushing me towards insanity because it's too much and too little all at the same time and I just wish it would end. It almost did, I was almost distracted but that fell through and now I'm back noticing what first drew me in that fateful night at the pub.

I just...I miss you. I want to talk to you but I think that as soon as I do I'll say something or imply something that screams mixed signals and I gave you enough of those.

Every fibre of my being knows I made the right decision and that I also shouldn't breathe a word to you or anyone (save BFFL) about this but I'm having all these feelings and I just...don't know how to be around you, even cyberly. You're just pissing me off and drawing me in all at the same time without even doing anything and that's what the worst part is you don't even know.

Neither Male nor British - Just Hannah

I came on here to be all melancholy and anguished but then I saw Han's Happy Birthday post and it made me smile so I'll put aside my tensional ranting for later.

I've already said all I could possibly say about Han's amazingness and how I love this blog for being our glue so now I just want to say how she put a smile on my dial.

You're up there with One Direction and David Tennant, Han - which is high praise coming from me considering you're neither male nor British.

To You

Today is a special day. Someone special in my life has beat teen pregnancy haha.
We lend each other books and dvds all the time and now I must give her something to keep. I hope she doesn't mind her present coming late, but I know she will be proud that I'm buying something online, because I never do and have a slight phobia that someone will steal all my computerised money. I don't know what to write that I haven't before about her on this blog, but i will say this; I'm glad I have found a friend who loves to watch game of thrones and pretty little liars with me and doesn't mind talking through the whole thing, who doesn't get annoyed when I laugh at something cheesy in a stephanie myer film (which is all the time), who brings me icecream and entertains me when I'm recovering from an operation and who will give me a lift to dinner when I'm too tired to drive and who will dress up in silly costumes even though she hates them just for her friends. She is someone who can act silly and shallow at the right times, but is perfectly balanced with depth and honesty and intelligence and empathy. She knows that when I say she is stupendous I'm not calling her stupid, and we ogle at cute guys on PLL together. I feel that she knows so much that I don't know, about history and literature and I am constantly learning around her, which reminds me that I need to get her to show me how to use semi-columns properly. She makes me a better person. It is a friendship I never knew would form and I am glad it did.
Happy 20th Birthday.

#lifelessonslearntfromDisney

I so desperately wanted to post this on Facebook but I hate what it when people do that and that's what this blog is for, I just hate that it'll only receive a limited audience.

First off, click here and read (or skim) this post about Disney's new 'I am a Princess' video campaign to promote Disney Princesses as strong, brave and generous rather as being apparently just meek and beautiful and with the sole aspiration of finding a husband.

Personally I find Martha Kempner's view a bit harsh. I think even classic Disney princesses from the 90s and beyond taught us good values - Snow White and Aurora taught us to be kind to all creatures, Cinderella taught us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us and that what goes around comes around, Ariel taught us to go after what we want, Belle and Jasmine taught us that love is more important than what you look like and where you came from, Pocahontas taught us that we're all the same and Mulan (who's not actually a princess by the way but according to Disney she is) taught us to do what's right.

It's not just Rapunzel and Merida that were brave and strong and generous.

If you've seen my Tumblr the majority of my posts are Disney related, often hash-tagged with 'Life Lessons Learn from Disney' because Disney taught me so many things and continues to do so. I do aspire to be like Mulan (my favourite "princess"), not because she's a 'Princess' but because she stood up for herself and did what was right. She was a warrior. She took responsibility and did what she had to save herself, her family and her country. And then she found a husband, who she was willing to give up to again save her country. Disney was my entire childhood and continues to be a humongous part of my life, I can't fathom how someone can view it so negatively. Disney taught me so many things and every time I watch a Disney movie I fall in love all over again.

I don't think the video, as Kempner comments, is literally saying that girls should aspire to be princesses (there are only a limited number of royal families left after all) more that they should aspire to have the characteristics and values that Disney princesses (and princes and all other characters from the Disney films for that matter) have: generosity, kindness, determination, bravery, independence, love, individuality, creativity, open-mindedness, loyalty among others from the long list of traits those girls and women have.

I grew up without the "good moral" Disney princess movies (Brave and Tangled) with the "happily ever afters," the "mustfindahusbands" and the "gender-role ruts" (which again, Mulan) and I turned out pretty well I think.
I believe that I am independent (possibly to the point of crazy-feminist-come-cat-lady as my recent, and brief, foray into boyfriend-land taught me), thoughtful, considerate, neither narcissistic nor slutty nor do I aspire to be the "fairest of them all" or, the modern interpretation "hottest of them all."
If your daughter is growing up with the aspiration to become a damsel in distress Paris Hilton/Kim Kardashian type maybe it's your own parenting, not Disney movies, that is the issue.

You are raising your child, not Disney.

Read This Book

Read Love Story by Erich Segal.

It won't take you long, 130-something pages.
Just read it.

I can't explain why exactly it is that I'm so adamant about it I just think it's one of those books you should read at least once.
It's so short and yet it tells such a powerful story in such a wonderfully funny way that I feel like it'll add something to your life that you didn't even know you were missing.

Just...read this book.

Thank You

I love this blog. I really and truly do.
It's just...amazing. It's perfect. God, I just LOVE it.

I love that I can write and vent and bitch and whine and just get my feelings out about pretty much anything without any judging (to my face anyway).

I feel like it's helped Hannah and I get closer too, given us something to bond over and helped us get to know each other. Because even if nothing personal or important is necessarily revealed, every post is like a conversation, a dialogue between me and her that gives me some small insight into what makes her the amazing person that she is.

So thank you, Han, thank you so much for agreeing to do this with me that windy day in Launching Place at an archery range. Thank you so so much. Thank you for this blog, and thank you for you.

Now

Nearly everything is perfect. Things are looking interesting in my near future. I'm happy nearly all the time. But there are a few problems that I wish I could just wave my non-existant magic wand and they would go away. But it's not that easy, and I am putting off dealing with them. The first one being the assignment i should be working on right now. I am constantly critiquing things that should just be left alone. And now I have to spend my afternoon reading critiques and making critiques on evolutionary psychology. Its worse than psychology which looks at how we behave, it tries to understand why we developed these behaviours in the first place. GAH. This is the smallest problem I have, but it's the easiest to write and bitch about, and the friends I know who occasionally read this wont blink an eyelid.

Sharing Isn't Always Caring

I wrote something a few nights ago that I so desperately want to post but I know, rationally, that it is far too intimate to be shared and far too truthful to be known.

Some things must remain private, not everything can be revealed.
Some things belong to others as well, not solely to me.
Some things probably don't need to be shared, and therefore shouldn't

It sucks though 'cause it manages to encapsulate how I feel almost perfectly.

Must love BFFLs

Sometimes I wonder if our relationship is the reason why we suck at guys.

We are freakishly close and, on occasion, seconds-from-crossing-the-line-close. We're one third old married couple, one third friends and one third twins-separated-at-birth. I know that most of our friends don't understand us, accept us for who we are and that our relationship is like that, yes, but get it? Certainly not. Sometimes even I think it's weird. It is weird but that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. Despite the licking and the snuggling and the conversations about our future conjoining houses or our own farm and promises that no boy will ever come between us or separate us, that line is still very much there (it's the Great Wall of China of lines) and we remain very much on this side of it, no matter what everyone else thinks or says. We know how fine the line is and we're well aware of what it would take to cross it but we stay far away from such things and I do love you, probably more than anything.

We're not really the reason why our boy-relationships suck, because you have issues that have nothing to do with me and are completely different to my issues and my relationship failings have nothing to do with you. However, how close we are I think definitely has an impact because anyone who didn't like the other one of us and wouldn't put up with our relationship wouldn't be an option.

My Therapy

I lied.
I guess I'm not done but you know what? This blog is half mine so I can flood it with whatever damn topic I so choose for however long I choose and you can either just scroll on by or read through to my soul.

This is my therapy.

I'm back at square one yet I feel like I took 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Not only in our 'relationship' but with all my other friends as well. I don't know what's worse, everyone acting normal, like nothing ever happened, including your friends urging you to 'get some' right in front of me or people walking on eggshells around us like my friends half-are. I wish we just didn't have to deal with it at all. Like along with everyone acting like nothing happened, if we could feel like nothing ever happened, that would be nice.

I am a strong believer in having no regrets because why regret something you once wanted? And I know that I don't really regret any of this but it's been hard to remember it sometimes. The phrase "I do not believe in regrets" has become my mantra as I've repeated it over and over to myself as guilt ridden thoughts chase each other through my mind; could've, should've, would've but I didn't.

Everyone says "You did the right thing," "Don't feel guilty," or "It's not your fault" but what I'm waiting for is for someone to say "Why didn't you realise before you put him through that?" It's what I ask myself. The rational side of my brain knows that our friends are yours and mine and therefore aren't liable to fly off the handle at me about this but I'm still half-expecting it happen.
I don't want to say this was a disaster but it was far from perfect and it was honestly a bit of a shamble.

You know what makes the no-regrets thing even harder? All those little things that remind me of you. It was 3 and a half weeks give or take but you'd be surprised how much stuff makes me think of you.
The Coles car insurance ad, the word "awkward," every time I touch the ring on my finger because you used to play with it when we held hands, even just the idea of driving up to Emerald because I know it'll take me past the turn off to your house and I know in a few months 'Lost - Michael Bublé' will remind me of you too 'cause it's been on repeat for 3 days and will continue to be I'm sure.

This time I'm not making an promises 'cause obviously I break them so all I'm saying is this who I am and this is going to take as long as it's going to take and if you stick around, you're gonna hear about it every step of the way.

This is my therapy.

Parting Gifts (or Everything I Can't Say)

So this is what it's like: Michael Bublé on repeat and the flu.

I suppose at least the parting gifts I received aren't visible, sorry about those by the way but you know I can't help myself.

On the other hand, once you put a shirt on you can forget about them (I was always considerate at least) whereas I'm stuck blowing my nose every two minutes.

In a few days I know both of our 'parting gifts' will have vanished and it's the invisible marks we'll be dealing with but hopefully they wont be sticking around and influencing our lives too long.

Sorry, again.

// I'm done, I swear. Last one. Promise. //

Bubbles and endings and logistics

So, that sort of...ended.

It was my fault, well not my fault but if anyone is to blame it's definitely not him. It didn't end half as badly as I'd expected though, and it ended far better than I probably deserved.

Now I'm back to square one which at present is logistically impossible but I think probably the best thing for me right about now.

I can't pinpoint where it all went wrong, mainly because I'm not entirely convinced it was ever all right. We went from naught to 60 in less than 2.2 seconds and then I think he kept going from there and I was stuck trying to play catch up.

Even though it was neither of our faults, I still feel awful and guilty for just...popping the bubble. It was a nice bubble to be in don't get me wrong, but his side of the bubble was plump and pink with rainbows and stuff and mine was just...normal. Even when I put the rose-coloured glasses on it wasn't like his. Our halves of the bubble were not on the same page and that was not a good thing.

So POP and now I'm left dealing with the consequences but overall I feel much better even though I hate that it had to happen.

All the small things

It's the small things in life that really matter.

Like speaking in Italian automatically instead of French.
Like hearing the rain while you're in bed.
Like waking up to "good morning" texts.
Like reading a good back.
Like that post-workout exhaustion that makes you smile.
Like sleeping in on a weekday.
Like skipping class (on occasion).
Like learning something new.