Have a bit of a laugh

A couple of things people have emailed me or I have heard

Ricky Gervais - Polotics
I've never figured out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is? If you are an egg don't sit on a wall?
The moral of the boy who cried wolf is not "don't tell a lie" but "never tell the same lie twice"

Some photos my dad sent me




Will Anderson
If you have a friend who wants to use a hairdryer in the shower: Let them. Not for the whole electricity and water thing, but for the reason you would buy a hairdryer in the first place. "My hairs not getting dry" "you're in the fucking shower" One less moron to be pissing in the shallow end of our gene pool.

Have You Ever Wondered Why...

1. Why the sun lightens our hair but darkens our skin?
2. Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why you never see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
4. Why "abbreviation" is such a long word?
5. Why Doctors call what they do a "Practice"?
6. Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Microsoft Windows?
7. Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
8. Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?
9. Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?
10. Who tastes dog food when it has a "New & Improved" flavour?
11. Why Noah didn't swat those two darned mosquitoes?
12. Why they use a sterilized needle for lethal injections?
13. Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
14. Why they are called apartments, when they are all stuck together?
15. Why they call an airport a "Terminal" if flying is so safe?

And in case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On a popular hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
   (Darn it, that's the only time I have to dry my hair)
2. On a bag of Crisps: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
   (A shoplifter's special)
3. On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap".
   (And that would be how?)
4. On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
   (But, it's just a suggestion)
5. On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
   (Well...duh, a bit late now)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
   (And you thought?)
7. On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
   (But, wouldn't this save me more time?)
8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
   (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents, if we could get those 5 year olds with head colds to stop driving those dumper trucks)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
   (And...I'm taking this because?)
10. On some brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
    (As opposed to...what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
    (Now, somebody help me out on this one!)
12. On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
    (Talk about a news flash!)
13. On an Airline's packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
    (Who'd have thought it?)
14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
    (I blame the parents for this one)
15. On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
    (Was there a lot of this happening then?)