Reason #289 Why I Need New Friends

I have this...well I wouldn't exactly call her a friend at this point but we've known each other so long I don't know what else to call her so let's go with friend. 

For some reason she attempts to make me feel like crap (perhaps unintentionally) because I don't have a boyfriend each and every time I see her (slight exaggeration perhaps). It doesn't always get to me, not in the traditional drown-my-tears-in-icecream sort of way anyway, more in the "why did you even say that? Are you just being horrible?" sort of way. 

Yes, I am boyfriend-less but I have had one before, two actually, but you continue to discredit every boyfriend I've had. The first one we were too young, the second one it was too short. 

Just because I know what I want (and what I don't want) and I'm not going to settle for anything less (not that I think you are settling) doesn't mean there's something wrong with me or that I'm unhappy because I'm single. I know it's a pretty foreign concept to you but I am perfectly happy on my own. 

Sure, I wouldn't say no to a guy I liked (I am incredibly fond of the male gender) but I need to really like him, he needs to be at the top of my priority list and boyfriend 2.0 simply wasn't so until I find said high priority guy being by myself is good. Like for real, legit, perfectly cool all by my onesie. 

Today is just not a good day.

Don't Talk to the Antisocial Bitch (i.e. Me)

I'm in the kind of mood where I'm just like "don't talk to me, just don't." First I was sick, then I had exams and now I have no relevant excuse except I'm an antisocial bitch.

This rule doesn't apply to everyone of course but 90% of people I just don't want to talk to, I don't want to hear about their problems or excuses 'cause it's always the same and I'm sick of listening to the same thing over and over.

I'm just in a bad mood really but people talking to me isn't making it better.

Give me my space, I'm an only child, I need it.

I think I need new friends. I love my friends and I don't want to trade them in for new ones but I think I need to meet new people, people that I don't know practically inside out and whose minor flaws won't irritate me to no end. 

Strength is in the mind.

I have not contributed to this blog for a while. It's not that I haven't had much to write about, nor time to do so. I just haven't been motivated. I sure have things to write about. I got offered an honours project that I desperately wanted, I have a job at a lab with many interesting people, I did a placement at a museum and I am happily enjoying a serious relationship with someone. But what inspired me to write today is an admirable friend.

This friend of mine is not very "close" but I see her at least once a week.

Today I found out something sad. 

My friends mum has cancer, and has had it for a few years now.

I knew she was sick, but I didn't know she was cancer sick.

She's in palliative care.

I have met her mother a few times and she is a positive person.

My friend has never revealed much about her mum to our little group before. Which makes me sad because it means it is serious. We told her to just stay strong and keep motivated for her exams. She told us that it is ok because her mum had brought her up to be motivated.

But what I want to say how outstanding my friend is. She always puts 120% of effort. 

She never wastes time fluffing around. She goes to gym, studies full time at uni, juggles part time work, and manages to find time to practice, and keep a social life.

At the moment she is in the middle of exams, her mum is very sick, and she is keeping it all together. I don't know how she does it.

But the main thing is that she never complains. Ever. She is not someone who is full of excuses, who is never on time, or puts in a half ass attempt. She is a yes man. She is always up for more. 

The fact that she hadn't told us about it until today reveals her true nature. She doesn't like people feeling sorry for her or seeing her vulnerable. She is a strong person.

She is inspiring.

I have this friend....lets call him, say......Jake. Because coincidentally, thats actually his name. Let me tell you a bit about him, total wanker, but heart of gold.....at least thats what he'd like people to think. What it actually is a more of a lead heart coated with tin, but like that kinda tin that when you hold it up to the light kinda looks like gold. But i digress. Basically he wants to hijack our blog and turn it to the dark side (sans cookies). Sorry that was Zo (cos yeah real sneaky naming it the ZoHan blog......expecting us to be all like, 'damn, lord knows who's writing this') the bit about hijacking that is, the self deprecating stuff is all me baby.....now i feel awkward, can i even say baby on the internet anymore. Thank god this isn't tumblr because I'd be crushed under the waves of procrastination and armchair activism. GAH THE PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMMENTS, THE GIFS. I kid I kid.

So let me tell you a bit about Zo (once again, sho sneaky). She's about yay tall, Italian and has that sort of hair that no matter how you hug her kinda invades portions of your face but she's an amazing person. Don't let her know it though cos fuck it'd go straight to her head, and she lacks the coordination/balance to manage the extra weight. Though i find myself wondering at times (like the italian mother I am) why she no meet nice boy, not for her sake but for my own. We need fresh blood in the group, it got a little bit incestuous there for a while but its starting to show signs of supporting external life. Though seriously, she totally deserves someone awesome, and if it weren't for the fact that everyone in med is borderline sociopathic and megalomaniacal, I would have already set her up with a fine young paediatrician who moonlights as firefighter who specialises in saving orphans and little old ladies and is known to run into burning buildings to save kittens, that he then nurses back to health through his raw masculinity and love.

Enough about Zo (never gets old), lets talk about Han (.....im seeing a pattern), what can I say about Han that hasn't been said a million times before. Massive Poo. That about covers it.

Peace. *drops mic* booooooooooooooooooobs.

I told you so.

Do you know what I want to say to you? What I'm begging to say to you?
You should've stuck around.
I. Told. You. So.
Boyfriends come and go but friends are forever. 

Yes, our best friend got a boyfriend and she spent a lot of her time with him, often at the cost of our "girl time." However, you made a promise, all those years ago, when we became best friends that we'd stick by each other and always be friends.

Instead, you tried to turn me against my oldest and dearest friend just because she had a boyfriend and she was happy (and you didn't). I told you then (and I want to tell you again now) she'd come back.

It took 5 years and a bit of heart break but we're closer than ever now and you're still blaming other people for what was your fault.

IFF - Italian Film Festival

I went to the Italian Film Festival today and saw: Il Rosso e il Blu (the red and the blue) and Pazze di Me (Women Drive Me Crazy). They were both really good, Il Rosso e il Blu was a bit...depressing - think Freedom Writers or Coach Carter but without the happy endings. It also didn't end well, it just kind of...stopped. The main guy (the teacher) had incredible eyes though. It did have it's instances of comic relief that I've only found in European movies (almost slapstick but without the physical violence) but without a doubt, Pazze di Me was the comedy. It was about this guy who was the only male in his 7 female strong household (including the dog) and about how the crazy women in his life drove away every girl he brought home. Long story short, guy meets perfect girl, family drives perfect girl away, meets a new girl, she asks him to choose between her and the family, he chooses her, realises he's too noble for that, tells her to wait while he goes and fixes their lives once and for all, goes back to girl to discover she's gotten back with her ex, ends up with original perfect girl and moved out from living with his family. The soundtrack was awesome too. 

Anyway, both these movies were really good however there were two of them which roughly equates to 3 hours of Italian. As such, speaking English and hearing English around is messing with my head a little. Seriously, when I went down stairs before it took me a second to realise why I thought the tv sounded so weird. At the start of this post I was struggling to write in English which makes me happier than you can imagine. 

I'm really hoping this continues over into my Italian class and my test tomorrow though.

Costumes and presents and cards, oh my!

We're at that point in the year where you've gone to so many 21sts and bought so many presents (and freaking costumes - grr!) you're A) broke and B) out of ideas and just don't care anymore.

At this point in our lives, with our BFFs especially, we're at this point where we've known each other for so long and bought so many birthday/christmas presents over the years that coming up with something new and yet still suitable is a pain. While we do known our giftee well enough to anticipate their needs/wants rather than just buying them something 'nice and birthday-y' we've also had a few years of buying them DVD seasons they want or a new purse they've been eyeing or a pair of shoes etc. Now, at least for me, it's about experiences. A boat cruise, Dracula's, a Spa Day, concert tickets, trips away, dinner at a nice restaurant, Gold Class, the list goes on. I think experiences are the way to go, not only do you give them something they a) want, b) have never done before but c) you also get to share it with them too and create memories and we all know memories are the best part.

I have 2 more best friends birthdays to go and they both have presents bought/thought of and neither of them are tangible belongings. I've already decided BFFL and I are going away for our birthday presents to each other ("oh you've decided have you, BFFL?" she said when I told her). We're going somewhere we've wanted to for a while but never really got around to and I'm excited. 

Life experiences people, get out there and live a little.

Tricycle

I'm not sure how I feel about being the third wheel.

I mean it's never really been a big issue for me, I've been third wheeling for most of my relationships-are-real life and it was whatever. Now, I don't know. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

On the one hand, I'm happy my friends are happy and as long as I get to hang out with my friend (usually a 2 for 1 deal anyway), I'm happy. I get by with it. One of my best friends, if her and her boyfriend start kissing I just keep yammering until they stop and pay attention to me (little attention-whore, aren't I?). With one of my other best friends, I kept poking her in the back of the head every time she kissed her significant other when we were out at Trivia one night. Other friends I make kissy noises or just leave them to it dependent on my mood. 

On the other hand, not being the third wheel would also be nice but I can't expect my co-wheel to magically materialise into my best friend's lounge room for me so I can't really complain. Besides, I tried having a co-wheel and I've come to realise it's not something you can force (even though I probably should've known that before) so...Que Sera, Sera, that's my motto ("Whats a motto?" "Nothin'. What's a-matter with you?").

Girls' Dates

Four of my girl friends and I, each month arrange to hang out, just us. No boyfriends (no boys at all), no other friends, just the five of us. 

We talk about whatever, sex, boys, politics, sex, jobs, boys, friends, boys, boyfriends, sex. 

The time we spend together is priceless and probably the most fun I have and what I look forward to most but if it's not the fucking most difficult thing in the world! 5 girls, 5 conflicting uni/work/social life schedules it is almost impossible. Somehow we always seem to manage but it's never easy. In the lead up, when we're just trying to find a fucking time we can all make it to, I almost feel like giving up, it shouldn't be this hard, it's not worth it but when I'm there, when we're all there it reminds me just how worth it is. 

We have been friends for a long time and there's a reason for that, a reason why we have been such good friend for such a long time. These girls are 4 of my best friends and I love the time we spend together, I hope we never give up, no matter how difficult it is. 

Drink, drank, drunk.

You only realise how drunk you are when you go to the bathroom. 

Seriously.

Don't drink kidlets. 

Say Beautiful

It's amazing what the word "beautiful" can do when it comes from a boy.

Compliments make the world go round and somehow they mean more when they come from the opposite sex. Or so I can attest as a member of the female sex. Gentleman? Thoughts?

Beautiful is a different word to hot, sexy, gorgeous, stunning etc. It comes from someone who cares about you, not just someone who's attracted to you. 

And when it comes from someone you care about too, it can make you feel like you're on top of the world and all warm and fuzzy inside all at the same time. 

Beautiful is a beautiful world. 

Musings of an ex-Lit student/amateur writer

Sometimes I wonder why, exactly, authors include what they do or write the way they do. 

For example, the book I'm reading atm contains the line "...he'd taken off his shirt and lay atop the covers in just his jeans, but he was still hot."

Why did we have to know he took off his shirt? Is it because that's just something guys do when they're trying to relax? Or is it to emphasise how hot it is? Even without his shirt he's still hot? Or is it to provide the adoring fangirl with the (delightful and most welcome) mental image of this gorgeous guy half naked and sweaty? Or a combination of all three perhaps.

I just wonder sometimes...why?

 

Europe

I have wanted to speak Italian for pretty much as long as I can remember. Up until the age of 5 I spent at least 2 or 3 days a week with my grandparents who spoke almost wholly in Italian both with each other and to my cousins and I. I went to primary school with the basics, counting to 10, hello, goodbye, come here, please, thank you etc. However, my primary school didn't offer Italian as a LOTE, it didn't offer a language post-grade 1 at all.

Then I went to high school yippee, languages! Hopefully I can finally learn Italian and work out what the hell Nonna's saying half the time.
Nope. BHC offered French and Japanese. Well, I figured French is closest to Italian so if I couldn't study Italian, French was the next best thing. I loved it. For the first time I experienced the beauty of language. To be able to speak and communicate in a minority language is incroyables. It's so amazing to walk down the street and hear snippets of conversation and understand them only to realise a second later that they weren't speaking English. I mean it obviously doesn't happen every day but on occasion...yeah and it feels awesome. Probably didn't hurt that I had the most amazing, incredible, dedicated and wonderful French teacher from year 8 all the way through to year 12.

Then I went to Uni and finally, finally, started Italian. On the one hand, it was everything I dreamed, finally being able to speak and understand (to a certain degree) the language I grew up surrounded by. On the other hand, it was hard going. Uni flies through lessons and topics and grammar principles at blink-and-you'll-miss-it speed, you spend hardly any time in class and the teachers, while good at their job, push for a lot more independent study which is hard in language. Not to mention the fact that three years in and I can still barely understand 1 word a sentence because Nonna and my aunties talk so fast and in one of the many dialects of Italy.

Language is a massive part of people's identities, it's a part of mine. My grandparents, my aunties and my dad, my brother even, they all speak Italian, it's part of my family to speak Italian. I'm not materialistic, I read books and stay home and study, I don't party or drink that much, I'm not obsessed with finding a boyfriend and getting married, the least I can do is speak Italian.

But I need to go to Italy, in order to speak Italian properly (to the level of French), I need to go to Italy.
I just...need to go.

Screenshots

I found the screenshots I'd saved of our conversations again, cute things we'd said, stuff that had made me laugh and smile, how we came about. It's not the first time I've come across them since but it's the first I've been able to delete them.

They're gone.

I feel now, that I have some closure, I guess if I can even call it that (there wasn't much to close after all). Despite the brief time period the emotions were still there and I guess it took me 4 months and alcohol circa 2 weekends ago to realise.

We'll talk about it one day perhaps, I always seem to, even if it takes 12 months. One day, late at night, when all the remnants of feelings are gone we'll talk about it and shake our heads and laugh.