Addio Nonno

So, my grandfather passed away today. It was a weird day. It was a long day. Mum woke me up at 6 to tell me and it's not like you can go back to sleep after that. But I couldn't go and see Nonna or anything either. So I just lay there for an hour, not really asleep and not really awake until I got up and did go to Nonna's. Where pretty much all of my cousins were, my aunties, my uncles, mum and dad, my immediate extended family basically.

Then I went to work. And took one of my younger cousins with me. Because what was he supposed to do at Nonna's all day? Sit there and watch her cry as every new person arrived? So he came with me and we sat at work and I read while he watched movies (except for when there were customers/things to do). It was a weird day.

I'm almost glad though, that he's gone. Because he was suffering and Nonna was suffering and all of us hated seeing him like that, reduced to invalidity. And I'm glad it's happened now while I'm here and not overseas because even though I'd hate myself if I didn't, spending $2,500 to get to a funeral is more than I can probably afford.

I didn't really tell anyone about it, because what are you supposed to do? Send out a mass text that says:
"Hey everyone, just letting you know my grandfather passed away so I'll be MIA for a few days. Much love, Zoe"?

I heard from a few people though, my Aunt posted something on Facebook so I got a few texts. I don't mind that I didn't hear from everyone because I don't really know what to say. Thanks?
I feel like getting all that sympathy is undeserved because I don't feel really all that sad. My Nonno had dementia for a long time so he died for me a long time ago and now I feel like we're just mourning a shell. I get that that 'shell' represents his soul, his life, all of the memories we had of him but he hasn't been Nonno for a very long time. He hasn't been the man that took me for a walk up to the Milkbar while my bratty cousin had his nap, or let us made pizza bases out of his bread dough for us to run upstairs with them to put toppings on with Nonna, and then run back downstairs to cook them in the wood fire oven. Or come back with Nonno's chicken (KFC) or Nonno's cheese (Kraft singles) or Nonno's bread (actually made by him).

Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet, I'll cry at the funeral though, if nothing else, seeing people I love and care about crying never fails to make me do so too.

Reply

So I just found 3 new posts from Zo, which gets me excited because I am the lazy one who writes 1 post for every 10 of hers and the page had been quiet for a while now. Not that anyone really cares. But I enjoy seeing into the depths of Zo's mind, and I know for a fact that some of our friends do too (hi Patto).
So in relation to her last post, I cooked pearl couscous monday night and put it in with a can of vegetable soup and it was delicious. I did also go through the outwardbound-couscous despise phase and I am happy to say it can and will end.

I am also glad to see she is reading the book I gave her around 2 years ago.

Zo failed to mention that she now speaks 3 languages, and well on her way to becoming a professional  translator so if thats not interesting I don't know what is. Everyone knows some shit.

Talking of teaching Zo biology I had the funniest conversation about birds with her, in which she pretty much asked how birds breathed while flying because if they opened their mouth they would be pushed backwards. I don't know whether to be proud of her knowledge in aerodynamics or concerned.

Anyhoo, so a few fun things that have been happening in the past few months.

Orphan Black is an addictive TV show.

There is such thing as large couscous and it is delicious in stews/soups.

House sparrows are mental energetic critters out to destroy my life.

Agricola and Dominion are the flavour of the month(s).

When you spend your time between 4 houses you car gets very messy and full of energy drink cans.

You always find a little time for friends!

It's been getting warmer and I have been getting happier.

Marvellous Creations Ice-creams are yumyum (Get on it Zo!)

I am currently procrastinating, and should be doing a Literature Review on the evolution of bird beaks as a thermoregulatory organ.

I play netball in a women's netball team (being that I am a woman and all) but my point is that I play with women that are older than me as well as women my own age.

I play with women in their 30s and 40s who have kids, are married/not married/de facto/divorced etc. Some of them even have kids that are my age, one has almost literally a brand new baby and the others have everything in between.

It's awesome not only because hey, physical activity + clumsiness = (usually) hilarity and hanging out with friends is always good times.

It's awesome because these women know things that I don't, they know things (and this is the real kicker) that mum doesn't know (I know, right? Mum doesn't actually know everything).

And while they do take great pleasure in scarring me for life when it comes to the topic of children I love seeing them and talking to them and learning new things. They're different to me, they come for different walks of life, different cultures, different classes different everything and it's fascinating to me.
'How do you cook quinoa?' one asked.
I didn't even know what quinoa was, let alone how to cook it!
But someone knew, and someone explained and now I do know how to cook quinoa (not that I ever will because it's basically couscous and Outward Bound was enough couscous to last me literally forever)/

That's like, my favourite thing in the world: learning new things. Just, tell me stuff, teach me a thing, I want to know it. I wish I could understand more of what you're saying but I'm sorry, you're the one with Bachelor of Science not me (Hannah). I wish I had the time to learn about everything I wanted.

And yet I read the same genre over and over and I watch the same genre of TV shows and I keep studying subjects in the same school.

Froyo dates and the troubles of friending

So my friend just invited me out for froyo after netball tonight, which is a thing we do quite regularly post-game. 

I'm just feeling kind of weird, sort of guilty, because I didn't even think to ask her. We've been a bit weird lately...not as close as before. I don't know if I've given up putting in any effort or if I'm just a bit out of practice. 

Still, no one wants to be the person asking all the time. 

***

And just now, having come home much too late from said froyo date she text me saying how glad she is we hung out. I feel bad that she was the one that text me. I mean, I thought about it in the car on the way home but in this case it's not really the thought that counts if she doesn't know it was thought. 

I don't know if maybe I'm seeing this as retribution or payback or something for us not speaking, I don't know if it was her fault, or if I even think it was. I've been pretty mad at her about this for a while though so maybe I'm not sending texts first because it's "her turn". 

I wish relationships didn't have all this drama and I'd honestly never thought it would've happened between us. 

Booktober

It's Booktober as of today (Thanks Carrie!) so in an effort to do more reading, which I still say I love yet never seem to get through my 'To-Read' book pile, I will be reading the following books this October:

The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks
The Auschwitz Violin by Maria Àngels Anglada
The Paris Wife by Paula McLain
The Magician's Apprentice by Trudi Canavan

These books have been sitting in my 'To-Read' pile for a ridiculously long time so it's high time they get read.

So, if you need me, I'll be reading!

I don't know if I have commitment issues or I-don't-want-to-fuck-this-up-so-I-just-won't issues.

I don't know if I legitimately don't have time (it feels that way) or if I just haven't found the right someone yet (or if that's just my excuse). 

I don't know if screwed up last time or if it just wasn't "meant to be." 

I couldn't believe in que sera, sera or 'no regrets' more if I tried but what if it was me? My fault? 

There's no sera about that. 

It's all about me, and that's Ok

Wow it has been a long long time since I have written anything on here. Not that I haven't thought of anything worth writing about, because I have, but because I do most my thinking as I lay in bed, to lazy to get my laptop or phone out and navigate the english language. It is also because sometimes I think what I have to say is not very important, and in a culture that values selflessness and the ability to be humble about every amazing achievement above the age of say 12, that I stop myself from making posts.
So what has sparked this one post? There is a girl I was friends with in primary school. I haven't seen her much since parting ways at the age of 12, but I run into her occasionally on public transport or around town. I also have her on Facebook and Instagram, which makes me feel like I know her much more that I really do, or at least more than she does about me since I rarely feel inclined to share my thoughts or goings on with social media. Facebook says we are friends, but I guess we are under that special umbrella of people you once knew so well who have over the years transformed into a slightly recognisable stranger. Unlike many beings it seems like she has not lost that confidence and creativity that every parent sadly watches disappear and be replaced by it evil twin secrecy and laziness. I'm not exactly sure what she's doing, last I spoke to her she was studying film and working on some cool projects, but her photos show many of her amazing drag king outfits, and many posts about performing. But the reason I want to mention her is her new selfie challenge. Every day she takes a photo of herself, whether it be her happy, sad, made up, natural, with friends, with pets, alone. She is up to day 70, which I applaud because I can never get through one of those month challenges taking photos of tables fruit and "things that make you smile". Usually I don't like selfies because I feel the person posting it is saying "hey look how hot I am" But she made a point that sometimes we need to pay attention to ourselves and learn to view ourselves in a positive and realistic life. I think there is truth in that. Some times we try so hard to let the world only see parts we are proud of, or only parts that we assume are socially acceptable that we end up becoming what we are not. We worry too much about upsetting people, or alienating people or having people think we are too "up ourselves." I have come to the realisation that most selfies are just people saying "this is me, I am happy." My cynical mind tends to warp the concept of simple photos of people to think they are self centred or attention seeking, most likely to make my self feel more humble in a distorted corrupt way. So my aim is to let go, and I have started by compiling a list of things about myself that I am proud of or happy about, in no particular order.
I play keyboards and do a bit of backing vocals in a band. I have played piano for about 15 years and love being able to write and play music. I with I could play guitar properly though.
I have a really good memory, long term memory, you only have to ask my mother to know short term is shit.
I don't have to study too much. I mean I'm not a genius with a photographic memory, but I find biology really easy to understand and communicate.
I am about to start my honours project and I am excited because I really worked hard to get it.
I volunteer at the museum.
I am good at drawing, and to some extent painting, unless it's people. I won a competition when I was 16 and now I have $400 worth of art supplies piled in the study cupboard. I used to want to be an artist, but now I just enjoy it as a hobby.
I am in Love. I never thought I would spend so much time with one person, or thinking about one person, and many people make love and dependance to be such a negative characteristic, but I think it has made me stronger.
I have amazing grandparents. Ones that I love spending time with, that I look up to not because they are old and have seen so much, but because they are genuinely interesting people.
I love my hair. It's natural and all I have to do is wash it and brush it. And its long enough to tie into fancy braids and styles.
Last year I juggled 3 jobs and full time uni, so I fell kinda kick ass
I looooooooove boardgames/card games
I think I am a pretty good singer in the shower.
And that is my list. That is me, I am proud of me. Part of me is nervous that someone will read this and judge me for saying all this, but if you are judging I obviously haven't communicated my intention clearly enough.......anyway I am actually in bed now and the only words that have come to me are "go to sleep," So goodnight universe x

Car Music

On my long list of reasons why having my license (and a car) is awesome (and what unlicensed people are missing out on) driving in the summer with the windows down, blasting whatever song tickles your fancy and dancing your way home or to a holiday or to work or wherever is most definitely at the top. 

Music is great wherever you listen to it but I has a special kind of vibe when you listen to it in your car. 

Coffee Coffee Coffee!

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with coffee. I love the smell of it, I spend more time sniffing my coffee cup than I do actually drinking form it.

Part of the love stems from the smell, and part of it comes from it being a part of my family life (my entire family have fully fledged mini-cafe style coffee machines in our houses), uni life and Gilmore Girls.

But I'm also afraid of getting addicted to caffeine (like my dad is and my ex-boyfriend is) so I try not to drink it too much. It's the same reason why I'm so adverse to even trying cigarettes or weed or any other kind of drugs. I have an addicted personality, or at least my obsessions with [insert TV Show/Actor/Band/Book here] are any indication.

It makes me sad a little bit because good coffee can be amazing and I'm at least half-positive it's just the warmth and the smell rather than the caffeine itself that brightens my day some mornings.

Is denying myself a simple pleasure that may or may not become a problem should I become coffee-less (which is an unlikely situation in this day and age, lets be honest) really worth it? We all have our vices after all.

It's the same reason why I'm so adverse to even trying smoking or weed or any other kind of drugs. I have an addicted personality, or at least my obsessions with [insert TV Show/Actor/Band/Book here] are any indication.

Polyglot Wins #2

You know what blows my mind?

Punctuation is universal. 

The symbols they use might be different but a full stop always goes at the end of a sentence. 

It's stupid really that I always forget this.

Sarcasm too, that's not just an English construct either, as my French-speaking History teacher taught me when I asked. "Tu penses?" (you think?) she responded with a roll of her eyes.

It's probably pretty narrow-minded of me to think that this stuff doesn't exist in other languages, that metaphors and idioms and similes only exist in English. It just never occurred to me otherwise. 

Polyglot Problems #4

Fucking do not speak to me when I am dealing with the subjunctive.

Grown-up Problems

I'm really sad about being a grown-up.

Apart from the obvious reasons (moving out, bills, getting old, blah blah, etc.) I really like giving hickeys. And I feel like grown-ups don't give hickeys, that's not a thing that one does once they're a real adult. That's something teenagers do. But I didn't have a boyfriend as a teenager. Well, I did, briefly (he was definitely victim to my hickeys), but that relationship didn't last much longer than the hickeys did. 

So I'm sad, because what if I don't meet someone until I'm 25, when my hickeying days are over! 

Being a grown-up sucks. 

Regulars

Some regulars that come into work, I know their full name, their dogs' names, if they have kids (sometimes even their kids' names), what they get when they come in, their holiday plans, where they work, their brothers/sisters/parents/kids that also come in, essentially a whole chunk of their life story considering we're not actually "friends".

Other regulars I recognise when I see them every few weeks but I'm lucky if I know their dog's name.

I just think it's weird (and worth commenting on apparently) that I can see people equally as much but still not know anything about them. It's weird who you do have conversations/form relationships with and who you don't, even when the setting is exactly the same.

Ch-ch-changes

I still associate you two together even though you're not even friends anymore. Even though you're pretty much one of my best friends and he's...very much not. 

I met you as a pair, you came together, like me and my best friend, and you've stayed that way in my head long after the both of you have moved on. I don't even know if you ever had a genuine friendship or one born from the mutual necessity of new friends that is the first year of high school.

Now, you're not interested and I get that, and he's...lonely I think. And feeling nostalgic and I get that too because I feel that way about one of my friends sometimes. We had amazing times together growing up and we were best friends for a long time but we've grown apart now and while we're still friends, we've accepted that we're not as close as we were and we probably never will be again. I don't know how to push him towards acceptance that things are different now because I think he needs to realise that your friendship is over. 

It's a foreign concept to me not to still see school friends. The friendships have grown and changed since school finished of course but I'm still friends with most of the people I was friends with when I was at school. 

It's probably not a good thing (certainly not for my love life) that my friendship group has barely changed in 5 years but it's nice to have old friends. 

He doesn't seem to have many of those friendships. Not that he doesn't have friends because he does. Maybe you guys will be friends again but it'll never be like it was and that's just life, c'est la vie. 

Drunk Facebooking

I feel like it should be a rule that you're not allowed to post on Facebook while inebriated. 

I say as I post this almost 3 cocktails to the wind.