Screenshots

I found the screenshots I'd saved of our conversations again, cute things we'd said, stuff that had made me laugh and smile, how we came about. It's not the first time I've come across them since but it's the first I've been able to delete them.

They're gone.

I feel now, that I have some closure, I guess if I can even call it that (there wasn't much to close after all). Despite the brief time period the emotions were still there and I guess it took me 4 months and alcohol circa 2 weekends ago to realise.

We'll talk about it one day perhaps, I always seem to, even if it takes 12 months. One day, late at night, when all the remnants of feelings are gone we'll talk about it and shake our heads and laugh.

Rest

The Doctor has ordered me to rest. So why does it feel so bad when I do nothing? I am so used to getting fewer hours sleep, never taking time off work, and studying when I am not working to keep up with the uni flow. So when I send an email off to the unit chair asking if I could sit the test another day along with a medical certificate, why do I feel like I am cheating the system? Why does a little part of me say "you aren't sick enough that you can't go to uni and sit the test, you just haven't studied enough" And it's hard to remember that one of the reasons I haven't studied is because I have been busy and unwell, and I have tried my best to fit in as much study as I can and I am only human. The doctor asked me when my last holiday was and I honestly couldn't tell him because apart from a weekend in sorrento  it must have been christmas time. My social life is next to non-existant, and the last time I had the chance to go see a movie or sit down and read a book is a distant memory. This is the one time where I have a legitimate chance to take a breath so why can't I take it without feeling guilty? My lifestyle sucks balls.

Group Politics

You're right that when things happen in our group it affects more than the people that are directly involved, we all get involved.

And sometimes I love that. That we're all so ridiculously close tight knit that there's no such thing as secrets, that everyone knows everything, that we all gossip.

But, on the other hand, if (for some reason) you do need to keep a secret, unless you do just keep it to yourself, it's nigh impossible to keep it from getting out. We've got best friends and boyfriends/girlfriends that negate the whole 'don't tell anyone' thing not to mention the discovery/new acquaintance we've made with alcohol which not only lowers inhibitions but apparently the walls behind which secrets are kept. Which sucks if the secret you were keeping was to prevent hurting someone else, a secret you were planning on telling them in your own time, just not yet, because it'd be better to hear it from you rather than from the rumour mill.

One surprising factor to this close knit group we are a part of is there's little to no in-fighting which is sort of surprising. Surprising because being in such close quarters so often with 20-odd people of greatly varying personalities would be sure to result in clashes, which it does of course, but either they're minor or we're mature enough at this point to just let it go and accept that not everyone is going to agree with you.

Even on the rare instances that two people within our incestuous group of friends do have a serious falling out, it doesn't really affect the other friendships, nor should it. We're grown ups now. Just because you don't like person A all that much doesn't mean you can't spend time with person B, C, D, E, F, G etc. just because person A will also be there. We're a big enough group that you can go a whole party without saying a word to person A if you don't want to, trust me.

Sorry

My life has been going pretty well recently. Yes I have been extremely busy and slightly stressed, but over all good. I just miss my friends. I haven't seen some of them for two months. It doesn't feel like that long because I have been so preoccupied, but it has been a while and I really miss them. I get to see most of them this weekend and I am really excited to see them all. Unfortunately there is one change in my life that may make it awkward to see them all and some believe that I am avoiding them because of it. I just want to put it out there that I am not. Not one bit. Yes, there is one person that I don't want to hurt, so I have been keeping things on the down low, but I'm not keeping secrets and sneaking around and avoiding anyone. I just want to wave my magic wand and send all weirdness/awkwardness/sadness away. But I can't. Sometimes I think that my group of friends is so tight knit that when something happens between two people it affects more than just them. I am sorry to all the people I may have hurt.

Dude, come on

What the hell is going on with you?

You can't not reply to my text messages and then Facebook me with a question like you haven't been ignoring my messages! And apparently I'm not the only one whose messages you've been ignoring. Maybe the ignoring of messages is just a boy thing and you are pretty notorious for it but I was mad at you and I'm not fully un-mad at you yet so this is not helping! 

I get that you're not okay, and I sort of get that you're male and can't talk to me 'cause I'm stuck in the middle but I'm still your friend. I'm your best friend. 

You could at least reply to my messages and maybe drop a line of explanation as to why I haven't seen you even though we had two 21sts this weekend and you didn't rock up to either.

Talk to me. Please. I miss you. 

Due Dates

Due dates exist, they're a fact of life.

If you can't meet due dates in high school or in uni, how will you ever be able to meet them in life?

If your essay is due on Friday at 5pm, then your essay is due at 5pm on Friday, not 5:01, not midnight, not Saturday, not next week. Friday. 5pm.

Assignments do suck and more than once I have had to race a deadline but I always manage to submit my work. It might not always be fantastic, it might not always meet the criteria/word limit but it's always in by the deadline. Even if I could improve my assignment and hand it in at a later date I still get it in by the deadline, then it's over. If I was actually capable of making my assignment of a higher standard then I would've started it earlier and I would have had it finished by the deadline.
Besides, I can't handle the stress! I stress out enough rushing to a deadline, I can't imagine what I'd be like post-deadline!

Of course, it's all up to the individual but, come on, barring exceptional circumstances, just get your stuff down by the deadline, it's not impossible.

Wrong.

Something is still wrong.

There's this weird...tension between us, we're not like we were before.

We say the same things, our things (BFFL, your face doesn't make sense) but it doesn't feel right.

I don't know how to fix it, I don't even know what it is. Maybe it's because of me, because I don't like the new guy, because I'm not saying anything because I know you won't like what I have to say nor will you follow my advice anyway so why bother?

We drove 40km in silence and it would've been 60 if I hadn't had to ask for directions. 

Something is wrong. 

Checklist

Clubbing is not my thing.
I'm shy, I'm a homebody and I'm judgemental. I know exactly what I want and if you don't meet the criteria I'm pretty stand offish (even if you meet other equally important criterion) until you break down my walls which takes time and effort that strangers often aren't willing to impart (and understandably).

Must have a job, private school educated but not too elite to illicit snobbery, intelligent, sporty but not a football player (some exceptions do apply), animal person (doesn't have to be crazy about cats and dogs but must at least not hate either), willing to spend time with my crazy friends and willing to bring me along to spend time with his crazy friends.

Then there's the stuff that would be little bonuses, the stuff that would put him ahead of the pack. Foreign (most preferably somewhere in Western Europe, especially the UK or France), bilingual (again, European, preferably French or Italian), blue or green eyes, taller than me, living closer to the city than I do (that one's pretty easy to achieve though).

I'll probably find a guy who is the exact opposite to everything I just said I want and he'll be perfect.
Or maybe I'll live alone with 32 cats.
Either, either, or.

I am woman, hear me roar

So, apparently it took me getting a boyfriend to realise I'm a total feminist. 

(And then 3 months to actually come to terms with that, because in some circles feminist is a dirty word.)

I've always been "anything boys can do, girls can do better (and they can do it in heels)" but now my feminist streak is taking it to the extreme. Dont open doors for me, don't buy me dinner, don't let me go first, let me buy you some freaking ice cream.

We live in the 21st century not the 1850s I am a grown woman with her own money, her own muscles and her own brain, let me do it by my-goddamn-self.

I know that it's not meant to be condesending and degrading but at it's root it was and by continuing to do these things you're reinforcing the sterotype. Yes, if you are at the door first, please by all means do open it for me but don't do it because you're my boyfriend or because I'm a girl. Do it because you were there first and it's the polite thing to do, regardless of gender. If you've opened said door for me because you were there first, it only makes sense that I do indeed go first, otherwise who would be holding the door? But again, if I got there first and I opened the door, don't proceed to send me ahead of you because I'm a girl, what if there's a monster in there? That's not very gentlemanly of you now is it, sending me to a slimy and monstorous death?

As for buying me stuff, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, sure. But do not buy me dinner unless you're comfortable with me returining the favour in the future. Sure, when we're reaching the later levels of being together and heading to words the big M word or a de facto relationship then yes, what's mine is yours, who cares who buys dinner on this particular Thursday? In the early stages though, when you're trying to impress me or whatever, buying me stuff, and not letting me pay you back in any way is not the way to go. It undermines my independence and that is so not cool. I work too. Women are no longer reliant on men for food and shelter. 

E-qual-ity, say it with me now. 

#NeverthoughtIwasacrazyfeminist

#guessIam

#guessIlovehashtagstoo

Lyrical

More Than a Dream - Harrison Craig

"I never thought, 

never could see, 

never believed.

The walls were bigger than me

but I tore them down, 

I tore them down."

I didn't watch The Voice, I caught a few of the blind auditions perhaps and saw the innumerable adds of course but I didn't sit down every week and watch it. I did, however, recorded the finale and I watched it because I adore Harrison Craig. He is a beautiful person, he has an amazing voice and I think he definitely deserved to win. He sounds like Michael Bublé, and sung a few Bublé covers while he was on The Voice (that are now living on my iPod), perhaps thats why I love him so much. Probably doesn't hurt that he's a bit of a babe too. But mainly, he looked happy. Again, I only watched the finale, and maybe it was because even before it was announced everyone knew he was going to win, but he smiled when he sung, ever YouTube video of him I've watched since, he smiles. He's happy to be up there belting it out, the others...not so much.

I've mentioned songs I love for their lyrics before and the utmost respect and admiration I have for songwriters, Delta Goodrem, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Of Monsters and Men, Bob Dylan too I love for his lyrics (because let's be honest, that guy is a poet not a singer, when he sings he sounds like a dying horse). Another one to add to my list is Harrison, especially if his (admittedly rushed) album turns out anything like the original song he (co-(apparently))wrote for The Voice finals.

I mean I also likes songs expressly not because of their lyrics, Flo Rida's Whistle, Hey Porsche by Nelly or anything Jason Derulo sings. But while Flo Rida and Nelly make me want to sing along and dance, the others, the ones I love for the stories they tell (and the way they tell it), make me think and feel and all that good stuff music is supposed to evoke in you. They are the songs that get stuck on repeat.

Why is it whenever I'm sick and shouldn't have dairy, all I want is a milkshake. Like seriously body? What even. 

Religion and Cats

It's sort of getting to me now, that I'm the only single one. That I don't even have a quasi-unofficially-official someone to make me smile and be cute with or about. I'm certainly not going to cry about it though.

It's the "growing up" stuff that everyone's doing with their significant other that's bugging me. Holidays and houses and domestic things. You're my best friend, I want to do those things with you, we always have before. I'm jealous I'm no longer up there in your priorities. I'm jealous I don't have someone I care about enough to supplant you.

I tried though. I tried at something I should've known would've been a disaster then I had the back and forthing that I've finally realised never would've worked, not even on our superficial level, then I pinned all my hopes on something that turned out to be a flop so now I'm left feeling a little flat I guess.

I know, some day (my prince will come) I'll find someone that will capture my attention and drag me away from my books and writing and whatever else it is I spend my time doing to spend time with him but so far, no one has really taken my fancy, not enough anyway. And I don't believe in forcing things, if it's meant to be it will be, so I'm not going to make myself do anything to force anything I'm just going to live my life and let the pieces fall where they may.

I've held this belief for as long as I can remember, sort of like my own religion, but I think it's getting harder as I get older. I wonder how old I'll have to get before the cynicism kicks in and I adopt 34 cats. 

After Hours

Late last night, and by late I mean late i.e. half past midnight, I had two visitors. 

After they called me and woke me up even though my phone was on silent, like actual not-even-vibrating silent. 

They rocked up, we squished and snuggled onto the couch and it was awesome. 

Friends are great at all times and I like them. These ones in particular. They're fun. 

In need of a third language brain partition, thanks.

I love French and I love Italian (as I'm sure you know) and I love speaking French or Italian more than I do English but I need the language section of my brain to split into a third section, as opposed to English/Not-English.

I need an English/French/Italian divide because I just spent a solid 15 minutes trying to work out whether the 'to be' verb I was looking at was the French one or the Italian one. Keep in mind that 'to be' is the first verb you ever learn so I've either known the French conjugation by heart for over 8 years or the Italian conjugation for over 2 years, either way a fairly significant chunk of time in which I should be able to recognise and identify a basic verb table.

It probably doesn't help that the infinitives are quite similar être vs. essere. Never mind the fact that the Italian doesn't even use the personal pronoun whereas the French does (the personal pronouns I could've glanced at and would've told me which language it was by the way).

I just...I love speaking more than one language more than anything but God it messes with my brain. I'm just reaching the point where my LOTE switch flicks to Italian by default rather than French but considering I still struggle on occasion to identify a phrase on paper as French or Italian I think I've got a long way to go.

Next time I'm picking something with a freaking completely different alphabet. Like Russian. Or Swedish (Ah, Alexander Skarsgård).

Role Model

As much as I have a role model I think Rory Gilmore is it.
Fictional though she may be (portrayed by the wonderful Alexis Bledel for 7 years on Gilmore Girls), man I want to be her.
She's intelligent, she's funny, she's well-read, she's witty, she's kind, she's compassionate, family-orientated, driven. She's also pretty damn stunning too.
She's the reason why I am so desperate to go to Yale even though the rational part of my brain knows that:
a) I can't afford it.
and b) I wouldn't go anyway because studying Law in America is useless for someone who never wants to live anywhere but Australia.

Yes, okay, so she's not real per se, but the idea of her is real.
She worked hard in school, got into the course/university of her dreams.
She worked hard at uni, got a job as a political journalist on Obama's campaign trail (i.e. job of her dreams).
And, despite the ending, she proved you don't have to go out every weekend and dress to the nines to find the perfect guy.

RORY GILMORE LET ME HAVE YOUR LIFE!!!