My Therapy

I lied.
I guess I'm not done but you know what? This blog is half mine so I can flood it with whatever damn topic I so choose for however long I choose and you can either just scroll on by or read through to my soul.

This is my therapy.

I'm back at square one yet I feel like I took 1 step forward and 3 steps back. Not only in our 'relationship' but with all my other friends as well. I don't know what's worse, everyone acting normal, like nothing ever happened, including your friends urging you to 'get some' right in front of me or people walking on eggshells around us like my friends half-are. I wish we just didn't have to deal with it at all. Like along with everyone acting like nothing happened, if we could feel like nothing ever happened, that would be nice.

I am a strong believer in having no regrets because why regret something you once wanted? And I know that I don't really regret any of this but it's been hard to remember it sometimes. The phrase "I do not believe in regrets" has become my mantra as I've repeated it over and over to myself as guilt ridden thoughts chase each other through my mind; could've, should've, would've but I didn't.

Everyone says "You did the right thing," "Don't feel guilty," or "It's not your fault" but what I'm waiting for is for someone to say "Why didn't you realise before you put him through that?" It's what I ask myself. The rational side of my brain knows that our friends are yours and mine and therefore aren't liable to fly off the handle at me about this but I'm still half-expecting it happen.
I don't want to say this was a disaster but it was far from perfect and it was honestly a bit of a shamble.

You know what makes the no-regrets thing even harder? All those little things that remind me of you. It was 3 and a half weeks give or take but you'd be surprised how much stuff makes me think of you.
The Coles car insurance ad, the word "awkward," every time I touch the ring on my finger because you used to play with it when we held hands, even just the idea of driving up to Emerald because I know it'll take me past the turn off to your house and I know in a few months 'Lost - Michael Bublé' will remind me of you too 'cause it's been on repeat for 3 days and will continue to be I'm sure.

This time I'm not making an promises 'cause obviously I break them so all I'm saying is this who I am and this is going to take as long as it's going to take and if you stick around, you're gonna hear about it every step of the way.

This is my therapy.