Girls' Dates

Four of my girl friends and I, each month arrange to hang out, just us. No boyfriends (no boys at all), no other friends, just the five of us. 

We talk about whatever, sex, boys, politics, sex, jobs, boys, friends, boys, boyfriends, sex. 

The time we spend together is priceless and probably the most fun I have and what I look forward to most but if it's not the fucking most difficult thing in the world! 5 girls, 5 conflicting uni/work/social life schedules it is almost impossible. Somehow we always seem to manage but it's never easy. In the lead up, when we're just trying to find a fucking time we can all make it to, I almost feel like giving up, it shouldn't be this hard, it's not worth it but when I'm there, when we're all there it reminds me just how worth it is. 

We have been friends for a long time and there's a reason for that, a reason why we have been such good friend for such a long time. These girls are 4 of my best friends and I love the time we spend together, I hope we never give up, no matter how difficult it is. 

Drink, drank, drunk.

You only realise how drunk you are when you go to the bathroom. 

Seriously.

Don't drink kidlets. 

Say Beautiful

It's amazing what the word "beautiful" can do when it comes from a boy.

Compliments make the world go round and somehow they mean more when they come from the opposite sex. Or so I can attest as a member of the female sex. Gentleman? Thoughts?

Beautiful is a different word to hot, sexy, gorgeous, stunning etc. It comes from someone who cares about you, not just someone who's attracted to you. 

And when it comes from someone you care about too, it can make you feel like you're on top of the world and all warm and fuzzy inside all at the same time. 

Beautiful is a beautiful world. 

Musings of an ex-Lit student/amateur writer

Sometimes I wonder why, exactly, authors include what they do or write the way they do. 

For example, the book I'm reading atm contains the line "...he'd taken off his shirt and lay atop the covers in just his jeans, but he was still hot."

Why did we have to know he took off his shirt? Is it because that's just something guys do when they're trying to relax? Or is it to emphasise how hot it is? Even without his shirt he's still hot? Or is it to provide the adoring fangirl with the (delightful and most welcome) mental image of this gorgeous guy half naked and sweaty? Or a combination of all three perhaps.

I just wonder sometimes...why?

 

Europe

I have wanted to speak Italian for pretty much as long as I can remember. Up until the age of 5 I spent at least 2 or 3 days a week with my grandparents who spoke almost wholly in Italian both with each other and to my cousins and I. I went to primary school with the basics, counting to 10, hello, goodbye, come here, please, thank you etc. However, my primary school didn't offer Italian as a LOTE, it didn't offer a language post-grade 1 at all.

Then I went to high school yippee, languages! Hopefully I can finally learn Italian and work out what the hell Nonna's saying half the time.
Nope. BHC offered French and Japanese. Well, I figured French is closest to Italian so if I couldn't study Italian, French was the next best thing. I loved it. For the first time I experienced the beauty of language. To be able to speak and communicate in a minority language is incroyables. It's so amazing to walk down the street and hear snippets of conversation and understand them only to realise a second later that they weren't speaking English. I mean it obviously doesn't happen every day but on occasion...yeah and it feels awesome. Probably didn't hurt that I had the most amazing, incredible, dedicated and wonderful French teacher from year 8 all the way through to year 12.

Then I went to Uni and finally, finally, started Italian. On the one hand, it was everything I dreamed, finally being able to speak and understand (to a certain degree) the language I grew up surrounded by. On the other hand, it was hard going. Uni flies through lessons and topics and grammar principles at blink-and-you'll-miss-it speed, you spend hardly any time in class and the teachers, while good at their job, push for a lot more independent study which is hard in language. Not to mention the fact that three years in and I can still barely understand 1 word a sentence because Nonna and my aunties talk so fast and in one of the many dialects of Italy.

Language is a massive part of people's identities, it's a part of mine. My grandparents, my aunties and my dad, my brother even, they all speak Italian, it's part of my family to speak Italian. I'm not materialistic, I read books and stay home and study, I don't party or drink that much, I'm not obsessed with finding a boyfriend and getting married, the least I can do is speak Italian.

But I need to go to Italy, in order to speak Italian properly (to the level of French), I need to go to Italy.
I just...need to go.

Screenshots

I found the screenshots I'd saved of our conversations again, cute things we'd said, stuff that had made me laugh and smile, how we came about. It's not the first time I've come across them since but it's the first I've been able to delete them.

They're gone.

I feel now, that I have some closure, I guess if I can even call it that (there wasn't much to close after all). Despite the brief time period the emotions were still there and I guess it took me 4 months and alcohol circa 2 weekends ago to realise.

We'll talk about it one day perhaps, I always seem to, even if it takes 12 months. One day, late at night, when all the remnants of feelings are gone we'll talk about it and shake our heads and laugh.

Rest

The Doctor has ordered me to rest. So why does it feel so bad when I do nothing? I am so used to getting fewer hours sleep, never taking time off work, and studying when I am not working to keep up with the uni flow. So when I send an email off to the unit chair asking if I could sit the test another day along with a medical certificate, why do I feel like I am cheating the system? Why does a little part of me say "you aren't sick enough that you can't go to uni and sit the test, you just haven't studied enough" And it's hard to remember that one of the reasons I haven't studied is because I have been busy and unwell, and I have tried my best to fit in as much study as I can and I am only human. The doctor asked me when my last holiday was and I honestly couldn't tell him because apart from a weekend in sorrento  it must have been christmas time. My social life is next to non-existant, and the last time I had the chance to go see a movie or sit down and read a book is a distant memory. This is the one time where I have a legitimate chance to take a breath so why can't I take it without feeling guilty? My lifestyle sucks balls.

Group Politics

You're right that when things happen in our group it affects more than the people that are directly involved, we all get involved.

And sometimes I love that. That we're all so ridiculously close tight knit that there's no such thing as secrets, that everyone knows everything, that we all gossip.

But, on the other hand, if (for some reason) you do need to keep a secret, unless you do just keep it to yourself, it's nigh impossible to keep it from getting out. We've got best friends and boyfriends/girlfriends that negate the whole 'don't tell anyone' thing not to mention the discovery/new acquaintance we've made with alcohol which not only lowers inhibitions but apparently the walls behind which secrets are kept. Which sucks if the secret you were keeping was to prevent hurting someone else, a secret you were planning on telling them in your own time, just not yet, because it'd be better to hear it from you rather than from the rumour mill.

One surprising factor to this close knit group we are a part of is there's little to no in-fighting which is sort of surprising. Surprising because being in such close quarters so often with 20-odd people of greatly varying personalities would be sure to result in clashes, which it does of course, but either they're minor or we're mature enough at this point to just let it go and accept that not everyone is going to agree with you.

Even on the rare instances that two people within our incestuous group of friends do have a serious falling out, it doesn't really affect the other friendships, nor should it. We're grown ups now. Just because you don't like person A all that much doesn't mean you can't spend time with person B, C, D, E, F, G etc. just because person A will also be there. We're a big enough group that you can go a whole party without saying a word to person A if you don't want to, trust me.

Sorry

My life has been going pretty well recently. Yes I have been extremely busy and slightly stressed, but over all good. I just miss my friends. I haven't seen some of them for two months. It doesn't feel like that long because I have been so preoccupied, but it has been a while and I really miss them. I get to see most of them this weekend and I am really excited to see them all. Unfortunately there is one change in my life that may make it awkward to see them all and some believe that I am avoiding them because of it. I just want to put it out there that I am not. Not one bit. Yes, there is one person that I don't want to hurt, so I have been keeping things on the down low, but I'm not keeping secrets and sneaking around and avoiding anyone. I just want to wave my magic wand and send all weirdness/awkwardness/sadness away. But I can't. Sometimes I think that my group of friends is so tight knit that when something happens between two people it affects more than just them. I am sorry to all the people I may have hurt.

Dude, come on

What the hell is going on with you?

You can't not reply to my text messages and then Facebook me with a question like you haven't been ignoring my messages! And apparently I'm not the only one whose messages you've been ignoring. Maybe the ignoring of messages is just a boy thing and you are pretty notorious for it but I was mad at you and I'm not fully un-mad at you yet so this is not helping! 

I get that you're not okay, and I sort of get that you're male and can't talk to me 'cause I'm stuck in the middle but I'm still your friend. I'm your best friend. 

You could at least reply to my messages and maybe drop a line of explanation as to why I haven't seen you even though we had two 21sts this weekend and you didn't rock up to either.

Talk to me. Please. I miss you. 

Due Dates

Due dates exist, they're a fact of life.

If you can't meet due dates in high school or in uni, how will you ever be able to meet them in life?

If your essay is due on Friday at 5pm, then your essay is due at 5pm on Friday, not 5:01, not midnight, not Saturday, not next week. Friday. 5pm.

Assignments do suck and more than once I have had to race a deadline but I always manage to submit my work. It might not always be fantastic, it might not always meet the criteria/word limit but it's always in by the deadline. Even if I could improve my assignment and hand it in at a later date I still get it in by the deadline, then it's over. If I was actually capable of making my assignment of a higher standard then I would've started it earlier and I would have had it finished by the deadline.
Besides, I can't handle the stress! I stress out enough rushing to a deadline, I can't imagine what I'd be like post-deadline!

Of course, it's all up to the individual but, come on, barring exceptional circumstances, just get your stuff down by the deadline, it's not impossible.

Wrong.

Something is still wrong.

There's this weird...tension between us, we're not like we were before.

We say the same things, our things (BFFL, your face doesn't make sense) but it doesn't feel right.

I don't know how to fix it, I don't even know what it is. Maybe it's because of me, because I don't like the new guy, because I'm not saying anything because I know you won't like what I have to say nor will you follow my advice anyway so why bother?

We drove 40km in silence and it would've been 60 if I hadn't had to ask for directions. 

Something is wrong. 

Checklist

Clubbing is not my thing.
I'm shy, I'm a homebody and I'm judgemental. I know exactly what I want and if you don't meet the criteria I'm pretty stand offish (even if you meet other equally important criterion) until you break down my walls which takes time and effort that strangers often aren't willing to impart (and understandably).

Must have a job, private school educated but not too elite to illicit snobbery, intelligent, sporty but not a football player (some exceptions do apply), animal person (doesn't have to be crazy about cats and dogs but must at least not hate either), willing to spend time with my crazy friends and willing to bring me along to spend time with his crazy friends.

Then there's the stuff that would be little bonuses, the stuff that would put him ahead of the pack. Foreign (most preferably somewhere in Western Europe, especially the UK or France), bilingual (again, European, preferably French or Italian), blue or green eyes, taller than me, living closer to the city than I do (that one's pretty easy to achieve though).

I'll probably find a guy who is the exact opposite to everything I just said I want and he'll be perfect.
Or maybe I'll live alone with 32 cats.
Either, either, or.

I am woman, hear me roar

So, apparently it took me getting a boyfriend to realise I'm a total feminist. 

(And then 3 months to actually come to terms with that, because in some circles feminist is a dirty word.)

I've always been "anything boys can do, girls can do better (and they can do it in heels)" but now my feminist streak is taking it to the extreme. Dont open doors for me, don't buy me dinner, don't let me go first, let me buy you some freaking ice cream.

We live in the 21st century not the 1850s I am a grown woman with her own money, her own muscles and her own brain, let me do it by my-goddamn-self.

I know that it's not meant to be condesending and degrading but at it's root it was and by continuing to do these things you're reinforcing the sterotype. Yes, if you are at the door first, please by all means do open it for me but don't do it because you're my boyfriend or because I'm a girl. Do it because you were there first and it's the polite thing to do, regardless of gender. If you've opened said door for me because you were there first, it only makes sense that I do indeed go first, otherwise who would be holding the door? But again, if I got there first and I opened the door, don't proceed to send me ahead of you because I'm a girl, what if there's a monster in there? That's not very gentlemanly of you now is it, sending me to a slimy and monstorous death?

As for buying me stuff, birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, sure. But do not buy me dinner unless you're comfortable with me returining the favour in the future. Sure, when we're reaching the later levels of being together and heading to words the big M word or a de facto relationship then yes, what's mine is yours, who cares who buys dinner on this particular Thursday? In the early stages though, when you're trying to impress me or whatever, buying me stuff, and not letting me pay you back in any way is not the way to go. It undermines my independence and that is so not cool. I work too. Women are no longer reliant on men for food and shelter. 

E-qual-ity, say it with me now. 

#NeverthoughtIwasacrazyfeminist

#guessIam

#guessIlovehashtagstoo

Lyrical

More Than a Dream - Harrison Craig

"I never thought, 

never could see, 

never believed.

The walls were bigger than me

but I tore them down, 

I tore them down."

I didn't watch The Voice, I caught a few of the blind auditions perhaps and saw the innumerable adds of course but I didn't sit down every week and watch it. I did, however, recorded the finale and I watched it because I adore Harrison Craig. He is a beautiful person, he has an amazing voice and I think he definitely deserved to win. He sounds like Michael Bublé, and sung a few Bublé covers while he was on The Voice (that are now living on my iPod), perhaps thats why I love him so much. Probably doesn't hurt that he's a bit of a babe too. But mainly, he looked happy. Again, I only watched the finale, and maybe it was because even before it was announced everyone knew he was going to win, but he smiled when he sung, ever YouTube video of him I've watched since, he smiles. He's happy to be up there belting it out, the others...not so much.

I've mentioned songs I love for their lyrics before and the utmost respect and admiration I have for songwriters, Delta Goodrem, Ed Sheeran, Little Mix, Of Monsters and Men, Bob Dylan too I love for his lyrics (because let's be honest, that guy is a poet not a singer, when he sings he sounds like a dying horse). Another one to add to my list is Harrison, especially if his (admittedly rushed) album turns out anything like the original song he (co-(apparently))wrote for The Voice finals.

I mean I also likes songs expressly not because of their lyrics, Flo Rida's Whistle, Hey Porsche by Nelly or anything Jason Derulo sings. But while Flo Rida and Nelly make me want to sing along and dance, the others, the ones I love for the stories they tell (and the way they tell it), make me think and feel and all that good stuff music is supposed to evoke in you. They are the songs that get stuck on repeat.